As If I Never Existed
by distinctlyforbidden
Summary: Love, life, meaning…over.“Don’t do anything reckless or stupid,” how could I forget him when my mind screamed to remember? Forbidden to remember, terrified to forget. But he’s not here…and he’s never coming back. How will I survive?
1. What if?

**_As if I never existed..._**

Prologue-What if?

…_Love, life, meaning …over_. When one looses the one they love nothing is ever the same. _"Don't do anything reckless or stupid,"_ how could I forget him when my mind screamed at me to remember? _Forbidden to remember, terrified to forget. _I have nothing, am nothing without him. But he's not here…and he's never coming back.

What do I do?

It hurt so badly to think of him, but yet I couldn't stop myself. I could not force the beautiful angels face from my mind no matter how hard I tried. The constant vigil had consequences though, and _it was a crippling thing._

_The sensation that a huge hole had been punched through my chest, excising my most vital organs and leaving ragged, unhealed gashes around the edges that continued to throb and bleed despite the passage of time _war on me_. Rationally, I knew my lungs must still be intact, yet I gasped for air and my head spun like my efforts yielded me nothing. My heart must have been beating, too, but I couldn't hear the sound of my pulse in my ears; my hands felt blue with cold. _I begged for an end, a numbness from this pain perhaps a denial that would provide some relief_, but it evaded me._

_But what if this hole never got any better? If the new edges never healed? If the damage was permanent and irreversible?_

How would I survive?

_**As if he'd never existed**, I thought in despair. What a stupid and impossible promise to make! He could steal my pictures and reclaim his gifts,_ as if _that put things back the way they'd been before I'd met him…._

_**As if he'd never existed?**__ That was insanity. It was a promise that he could never keep, a promise that was broken as soon as he made it. _

Why should I keep _my_ promise when he'd already broken his? _Who cared if I was reckless and stupid?_ There was no reason to avoid it, no reason why I shouldn't act in the very way he had urged me not to.

I was not Bella anymore. Bella was gone, dead; somewhere I could not reach her. She had died with him that day in the woods and she was not coming back.

* * *

So takes place in New Moon obviously.

I'm toying with this idea..tell me if you like it.

I do not own anything in Italics nor do I own the characters, they belong to Stephenie Meyer.


	2. Cheater

_**As if I never existed…**_

Chapter 1– Cheater

_**Bang**_

"_That's it you're going home!"_

It took me a moment to understand what he was saying. Confusion swept over me and it took a bit longer to respond.

"But, but why? _What did I do_?"

I did not like the idea of moving, as pathetic as it sounds I sill let a small part of me hope _he_ may come back to me one day. A _small_ part.

"_You didn't __**do**__ anything. That's the problem. You never do anything._" The words echoed in my head. For so long I had shut down and shut everyone out. I couldn't take the normality -it was unnerving.

Why is it that I no longer cared about such things? Mere months ago I would have agonized over making Charlie unhappy, now however, I could care less. Bella Swan could care less. _She _had been ripped away from everything that had become familiar, everything that was safe –_gone_. And now she was left with nothing; _she_ could not _do_ anything –not without thinking of him.

Charlie wanted trouble –he wanted anything really, if I were to just react to something it would make him happy. I could do that. I could give _life_ one last fleeting chance. Give it the chance I never thought I would have to after……

…..

_No_

I _had_to stop going there. I was not strong enough to think about it. I didn't think I could even dwell on it without loosing it completely. No. I had to stop. This had to change. I couldn't go around feeling…numb, all the time. I needed to feel, _something_, anything.

So to hell with it, if he wanted me to open up then I would, I'd be wide open.

So here I stood. I really had no idea what I was doing here but I knew that I would soon understand, or at least that was the plan.

This had to be it, the recipe for closure: adrenaline + danger + stupidity.

C-L-O-S-U-R-E

I wasn't feeling it.

Why wasn't I feeling it?

I only felt the nagging remnants of _him. _

But of course that was most likely because I was in our meadow.

What the hell did I come here for?

I slowly realised that I had began to shake. Being in this place was not doing anything good for me. Nothing. All of the memories of our time together was slowly seeping into my mind.

The first time he showed me what he looked like in the sun.

The fist time he truly let his guard down and let me touch him -really touch him in a way that was in no way sexual, but sensual.

The moment he let me see into his soul.

I collapsed in the grass and fought back the nausea. Why, why, why, why, why?

I wanted answers, _needed_ them. But no, I was left in the dark, or rather the forest.

Several dry heaves later I stood up. I _could_ do this. I could put all of this behind me. I would try to…_forget_. I honestly didn't think I could do that. He was my life, my reason for existence, and now…I was all alone. Even if I was all for…_forgetting _(and I wasn't) I could never permanently erase someone that meant so much to me. I couldn't _forget_.

I would have to find another alternative then, a distraction. I shook my head; I could not find a distraction for my entire _life, _or what was left of it_. _I could only pretend for so long, so long until I simply cracked, I didn't want to do that. I couldn't just wake up one day to realise that subconsciously I've been using small things to represent the void _he's_ left. That would be completely devastating. I _know_ I wouldn't survive that. Loosing him once was enough. I couldn't go through it again.

What to do?

And like sheer fate I found my answer.

He simply strolled up to me in true werewolf fashion and asked me what I was doing here.

I smiled.

A true non-fake breathless smile.

_Distraction_?

No.

_Hobby._

* * *

A/N Again, anything in italics is not mine and the general concept isn't either, it belongs to Stephenie Meyer.

Don't forget to REVIEW!


	3. A clean break

I know in the last chapter I said werewolf, and I meant it. In this story we're assuming Bella knows that Jake is a werewolf and as always she's okay with it. The way I'm looking at it is when Jake told Bella that Edward was a vampire he also told her about the old tribal stories (like in the book) but unlike the book he told her that he was supposed to be one of them. Now Bella isn't stupid, she knows there's something up with Jake but not exactly what, when she said werewolf she was half- joking, she's not 100% about the whole werewolf thing. But I won't lie that changes things such as their relationship, at first, which is now, Jacob is going to be distant because of obvious complications but as time goes on things will change.

Now there is a wonderful video done by _Kelfheart_ on youtube. It is absolutely amazing, and truly captures what I am trying to say here. If you want to see it it's on my profile under _As I never existed. _If your wondering were it goes, it's just after the --- half way through the story.

* * *

_"What are you doing here?"_

_Distraction? _

_No._

_Hobby._

* * *

_**As if I never existed…**_

Chapter 2- A clean break

"Bells? Is that you?" I looked up from my place on the ground. There standing not ten feet away was my childhood friend Jacob Black.

"Yeah Jake it's me, gosh you look different." And he did. _The soft muscle of his childhood had hardened in the eight months since I'd last seen him._ He was now more mature in his appearance and it suited him nicely.

He shrugged it off like it was nothing.

"What are you doing here?" He asked again. I didn't know how to answer him, though there were many ways; the truth, a lie, or evasion of that fact.

"What are_ you_ doing here Jake?" His broad smile disappeared instantly; he seemed to be struggling with the same problem as I was. How to answer you own question?

"I went for a walk." He finally came up with. I wasn't one to pry, and whatever Jacob felt he couldn't tell me didn't really matter. Nothing did anymore.

I felt rather than saw him sit in the grass next to me.

"You should go home Bella, it's not exactly warm out." I flinched at the old reminder. I was not _Bella _anymore and therefore I should not be called that any longer.

"Really you should go home," I would think about what I truly wanted later. Now, I was overly curious as to why Jacob seemed to be rushing me home.

"What about _you_?"

"Me? I'm fine, there's a path behind those tree's there that I can take straight home. No need to worry."

I eyed the tree's he was pointing at; they seemed to be just trees, nothing more. I could not imagine a path in that thicket.

"I'm fine Jacob; I think I'll stay here for a bit more before I go."

His whole expression changed form one of concern to immense worry.

"You really shouldn't stay here alone Bella," I simply chose to ignore the feeling brought forth with the sound of my name.

"Then stay with me."

It was silent for a long time and I thought he was going to leave but instead he spoke.

"How are you doing?"

I sincerely did not want to talk about myself but soon I knew I'd have to and have to brave the unknown and try to move on.

"Fine," I said and wrapped my arms around my middle, holding myself together from the pain brought forth thinking let alone _talking_ about _him._

"You don't look fine," he commented. "You look like hell, Bella."

I shrugged at his observation; I knew I wasn't doing okay.

"Why are you holding yourself like that?"

I didn't know how to answer his question, so many things triggered my paranoia and I had no way to deal with it. I only had a way to tough it out and somehow with stand the horror which is _love._

"It hurts to think about him Jake."

"_EDWARD_?"

A tremor of pain washed through me, and I had to close my eyes. Even though Jake had whispered his name, it felt as if he had screamed it and shoved the letters down my throat.

Always one for contact Jake picked me up and sat me down in his lap.

"It's okay Bella, its okay."

I had had enough.

"No it's not okay Jake, don't you understand, it is never okay!" I yelled. I got up from his lap and stomped off into the nearby trees.

"Bella, come back!"

"Stop calling me that!" It slipped out, I swear.

Jacob stood still for a moment.

"What? _Bella_? Since when do you hate being called that?"

"Just call me Izzy."

He stared at me for a moment, before a large frown took over his face.

"You can't just change things about yourself just to hide from _him _you know," I gasped and turned around, there was so much malice in his voice that his words were whipping.

"Changing yourself is not the answer, you can either deal with it or you can run away. Stop running away!"

I was angry now, how dare he assume he knew anything about my situation.

"Leave it alone Jake, you don't know what you're talking about." I said in a low voice.

"Please, everyone could see the way you two were wrapped around each other, and now that he's gone your punishing yourself over it,_ you. _You have no right to feel the way your feeling right now but you continue to put yourself there instead of moving on."

I stood there in complete shock. Jacob had never expressed such a strong opinion of my life before, and I was a little taken aback by just how much he _knew. _I was surprised he had figured as much and worried that other people had seen through me just as easily.

"_Bells, _you need to move on, it's not healthy where you are right now."

I cringed at my name but he just kept speaking.

"You need to do this, for yourself, and _not_ for somebody else," he knew me too well. If this were someone else's problem than I would help in a heart beat, but because it was my own situation things were different.

"You don't understand Jake, I can't just move on."

"Why not?"

"I just...can't."

"You loved him didn't you?"

"Yes, I did."

"I don't completely understand."

So I explained it to him.

----

I was crying when I finished telling him the tale that was Bella & Edward. I couldn't hold it in and when he told me it was okay to let it all out, I finally broke down and sobbed into his broad chest.

"It's going to be okay."

He kept repeating those words over and over again.

It's going to be okay.

Okay.

_Okay._

It will never be okay.

Not when I'm all alone, and he's nowhere to be found.

_A clean break._

I wasn't something that could be fixed.

I was a person, someone who lived and loved and was _happy_.

How could I break away from that?

How could I move on from that?

How will I survive _that_?

_This._

_How will I survive this?_


	4. Survival Instincts

A/N Alrighty,

So this isn't my favourite chapter but it helps the plot along so bear with me.

Yes, I have seen the movie, and yes I do have reservations about it. My full review is on my profile.

Oooh and this chapter contains some swearing along with a lime or two.

I reserve the right to exercise and exhaust the M rating for this story. I'm warning you now; it's rated that for a reason. It won't be anything too graphic but it's not for the kiddies either.

I don't own Twilight S. Meyer does.

_

* * *

_

This.

_How will I survive this?_

* * *

_**As if I never existed...**_

Chapter 3- Survival Instincts

It had been several weeks since the forest incident.

I had not trusted myself to go anywhere near _that_ subject again.

By going there so soon, I had hurt myself much more than if I had stayed away.

Jacob, it seemed chose to implant himself into my life. He came by almost every day, just to see how I was doing. _It wasn't just that he was always so happy to see me, or that he didn't watch me out of the corner of his eye, waiting for me to do something that would mark me as crazy or depressed. _It was that he cared enough to take the time to see me, and be with me, Bella. And not Bella, the disconnected and catatonic police chief's daughter.

I soon became used to his visits. Now, I welcomed them.

Every time he left I became eager to see him again. I was denounced to this feeling, I didn't exactly know what it was, but I wasn't ready to throw it away just yet. I didn't even know if I wanted to. All I knew was that whenever we were together, it was natural, a part of who he was.

It was easy.

One day when he came over we talked.

We talked about things going on in my life, (I was ashamed by how little I knew) and we talked about the things Jacob was now worrying about.

It seemed that several boys of the La Push community we apart of a gang.

When I inquired further, Jacob said he was getting worried because of the air tight hold the leader –Sam- seemed to have over the rest.

Because it worried Jacob, it worried me.

If this bothered him so much, it must be serious, but he seemed disinclined to share much, and the conversation was over soon after it began.

I soon began to depend on him.

There were times when it seemed that I put too much of my trust in him when he got me to leave the house and try some outdoor activities. There were movies, and walks and plenty of recreational activities. And for the first time in months I felt content.

Where I was right now I was neither in constant pain nor in deluded happiness, but I felt, okay. Okay to be, and experience, and not feel guilty that I was no longer keeping my promise.

I was enjoying myself, and my nightmares were coming to a halt.

It seemed the more time I spent with Jacob, the calmer I was overall, and the less anxious I felt towards him.

Charlie noticed the change in my demeanor immediately.

After all I smiled, and talked, and was...present a lot of the time.

Things were changing, slowly but surely.

But one thing it seemed would never change.

The pain.

I sat on the floor of my room, deep in thought.

In the beginning I had spent a lot of time here, here in the place where I had bled the most; where I had hurt the most, the place where all of my problems had become simple and uncomplicated.

A place where my worst fear had been realised.

Here in this place I sat, and thought.

Everything that had happened, everything that had led up to this moment had been dealt by hands other than mine. I had been powerless in my own existence, from the moment I'd met him, I had no control over how fast and how hard I fell. And I fell hard. Never in my 18 years had I felt so powerless, not even when James was playing that sick game of cat and mouse. I had felt I had at lest the control over my own death.

Not anymore.

Now, I had responsibilities; to Charlie, to Renee. I couldn't die with them so near, despite how horrible I felt.

I had to survive.

The question was how?

The pain I'd been neglecting over the past few months had become a dull ache, but now it was an ever growing gorge of throbbing anguish.

The longer I was without him the more that pain grew, the more it _hurt._

I knew I had to survive this but I didn't know _how_ to.

I was out of ideas.

"Bella?"

Sweet Jesus. He seemed to have an eerie timing for when to show up.

"Bellla?"

I head Jacob's heavy footfalls coming up the stairs and I knew I had to move. If he saw me sitting here, he'd know something was wrong.

The charade was still on for those who the mattered most, even if it didn't hide much.

I moved to the bed and crossed my legs beneath me.

"Hey Bells- what's wrong?"

I cursed myself internally, however hard I tried to hide it from Jacob it never worked.

I'm an open book, I mused.

"Nothing, I just... it's nothing."

He sighed and sat down beside me.

"Its...it's about _him_ again isn't it?"

The throbbing pain I hoped had dimmed did not. I was left with the re-opening of the gorge where all of my heart ache lay. The torment, the pain, and the sheer animosity of the love I felt for him was thrown in my face.

Was it ever going to get easier?

"Oh Bells." He said once he saw my face, and picked me up in his strong arms and held me in his lap.

We rocked back and forth for a time until I settled down.

A sudden ager rose within me, why was it him comforting me?

It was **he** who had promised he would always be there, always keep me safe, and now I was in the arms of someone **he** had hated being comforted.

Of all the irony.

Why was the known enemy of the one I had put my complete and utter trust in the one I found solace in?

_He _had been here for me.

From the moment he'd told me of his past, he'd been here.

Not....Edward.

I had to practice so it would be easier.

Not, Edward.

_Not Edward._

Jacob.

I twisted myself in his arms to face him.

"Jacob."

"What?"

"Do you love me?"

I needed to hear at least one person say it. Say it, and mean it.

"Y-yes. I've known you practically my whole life Bella. You're like a sister-"

I placed a finger over his lips, he didn't need to continue, I had what I needed.

I sat up so that I was straddling his lap. Surprised was an understatement as to how he looked right now.

I could tell he was in the motions to stop me so I went in for the kill.

I had to know, I had to know that someone, somewhere could love me.

Love me in that way and not leave me.

Sure Jacob's feelings weren't exactly what I was looking for, and sure it was cruel to use him this way, but the important thing is that he and I both understood what it meant to love, love unconditionally and irrevocably.

With no chance of miss-communications, no chance of regret, no chance of mistakes.

So I kissed him, hard.

I needed to feel this, him with me.

"_Bella,_" he said against my mouth after a while.

I needed to shut him up, so I used my tongue.

The incoherent moan told me it was working.

"Bel-la, we...need...to stop"

"Why?" I breathed.

"Cause...it's not right."

"It feels right." I said pulling away and looking into his eyes.

"Well that doesn't make it right." He said dislodging himself from my embrace and getting off the bed.

I felt dejected.

It seemed every opportunity in my life I was either being thrown away, or rejected.

I hugged my legs to my chest.

"Get out Jake."

"Bella I-"

"Get out!" I yelled and threw a pillow at him.

He didn't move so I kept on pelting him with random objects until he left the room.

God what was wrong with me?

I had just made out with my lifelong friend.

Someone who was only trying to help me in my messed up state, I had thrown out.

I needed help.

For the second time that night I heard the heavy footfalls of someone approaching my room.

"Bells?"

Charlie, the one who had told me –in his own way – to go a little crazy and let my hair down was worried about me doing exactly that.

"Bells are you okay? Jake left the house without saying much of anything...Did you two have a fight?"

I had never given Charlie much credit for how perceptive he could be. I guess I got it from him.

"I'm fine dad. I just need some sleep, I'm really tired." I lied.

"Alright...good night Bells." He said and shut the door.

I lay face down in my pillow.

Why on earth did I fuck everything up so easily?

I pondered it for a moment and then decided to leave it be and let the bliss of sleep take me.

I woke up to a rare occurrence, the sun was out.

It was like the first of firsts, a moment when you see all of your troubles clearly.

That all came crashing down when I realised what happened last night.

Fuck.

Did I really do that?

I had to make it right. Jacob was the one person who cared for me, someone I had come to count on.

I had to fix this.

So I drove all the way to La Push in my beat up old Chevy just to tell my best friend that I hadn't meant to jump him and then proceed to yell at him for jumping him.

I went to tell him, that he was right when he said I was hiding by trying to change things about myself.

I went to tell him that I loved him too, and not in the way that I wasn't ready for, but in a way that showed that our bond was special and one typical of best friends.

I went to tell him that I was ready, that I needed to move on.

I was ready to.

All of those things I went to tell him.

And all of those things went out the window when I saw a familiar boy working on a used old car, talking to two other boys who looked around his age.

I realised then that Jacob had a life, one that didn't necessarily include me. And I needed to deal with that.

Life wasn't something that you could take for granted, and I was beyond that.

Jacob still had a chance though, and he needed to be able to live a normal life, one that wasn't burdened with all of my craziness.

I walked up to the small group, alone, heart broken, and without hope.

* * *

A/N Ok, so I'm being greedy when I say that _when _I get 10 Reviews I'll update, and not a moment before.

It's up to you. If you like this story, don't story alert it or favorite it, but review.

If you want to you can favorite it too. ;)


	5. Out of sight out of mind

A/N I'm not posting until after Christmas... so a Merry Christmas to you!

For those of you who don't celebrate Christmas well then happy Eid, Chinese New Year, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, ect.

I'd like the thank Paradox and Ysar for being the only ones who bothered to Review, the other 300 people who decided not to it's your loss.

I'd like to say that I really don't like begging for Reviews. I ask only because it tells me what you readers are thinking and what you like and don't like. I'm not just writing this for myself, it's for you too. And if you don't like it (or if you do) then I'd like someone to press the green REVIEW button and say so!

* * *

_Jacob still had a chance though, and he needed to be able to live a normal life, one that wasn't burdened with all of my craziness._

_I walked up to the small group, alone, heart broken, and without hope._

* * *

_**As if I never existed...**_

Chapter 4- Out of sight out of mind

"Bella!" Jacob cried and rushed over to me.

The two other boys he was with turned in my direction to face me.

I was too overcome with emotion to respond, so I just stood as Jacob's arms engulfed me in a hug.

"Bella, this is Sam and Embry. Guys, this is Bella."

"Oh so you're Bella then," the one named Embry said.

"Yeah," I mumbled, I wasn't really in the mood to talk about myself.

"It's nice to finally meet you," Sam said.

"Jake talks about you _all _the time," Embry continued

Jacob, not-so-discretely, elbowed Embry in the ribs, leaving a snickering Sam exposed.

"I think its time for you guys to leave," Jacob began glaring at Embry in an attempt to shut him up.

He was about to speak but Jacob turned to him in time to him a deadly glare, effectively silencing him.

"Common' Em," Sam said, desperately trying not to laugh.

I couldn't let Jake throw his friends out for me. I'd decided that no matter what he wasn't allowed to do that.

"No, no. You guys should stay, don't let me interrupt, I only stopped by to say hello."

Jacob gave me a disbelieving look, but Sam spoke up.

"Don't worry, we were leaving soon anyways. So you're not interrupting anything."

I gave him a limp smile as he and Embry walked away. They turned when they came to the driveway and walked down the road, out of sight.

I turned to Jacob, I was feeling a little confused about Sam but still guilty for getting rid of his friends.

I was just glad to see him, even when I felt the way I do, he still made me feel.... animated.

Yes, well that not the way people are supposed to feel, but for me, it was enough.

"What do you want to do today?" He asked.

"I was actually wondering if we could talk." I said uncertainly.

"Sure, sure."

We walked into the small red house and sat of the thoroughly loved old couch.

I was looking around when he asked me, "So what did you want to talk about Bella?"

I didn't know where Billy was, but I knew that I didn't want any interruptions for the conversation I was about to have.

"Um, do you mind if we go upstairs."

He gave me a strange look but nodded, and began to climb the steep steps.

Once we were in his room he went and sat on his bed, I followed suit, frankly it was the only place that you _could _sit.

"What's bothering you Bells?"

Even when he wasn't trying he knew me too well.

"I wanted to apologise. I treated you the exact way that I never want to be treated, like a toy, something that you use and throw away for your own personal use. And I want to apologise for...jumping you yesterday, I really can't believe I did that, and-"

I was cut off by a laugh. I was literally telling him everything, trying to explain exactly _what _was wrong with me, and he was laughing.

"_What _exactly is so funny?" I said through my teeth.

"You...don't need...to apologise."

I stared at him incredulously and tried to find the humour in this situation.

He soon composed himself and stopped laughing.

"Sorry for that, but you never needed to apologise, I understand that you're in a difficult place right now and your not really functioning on full capacity, its okay if you go a little crazy."

A _little _crazy, hell I was already there.

"Yes, but that doesn't explain why, oh brave one, you found that so hilarious."

I was on a roll, first anger and then humour; I needed to spend more time around Jacob.

Jacob looked down and I noticed a small blush on his cheeks.

"_What_? What is it?"

"It's just, I know you didn't mean it but...I kinda liked it."

I sat in shock for a moment, was Jacob saying he enjoyed kissing me? It sure sounded that way.

How was I supposed to react to this? How would any other girl react to having a guy tell her he liked kissing her? The girl would retaliate, that's for sure.

She would kiss the guy and tell him she was glad.

But I wasn't just any other girl.

I _had _had that experience.

Kissing...Edward, was one of the best things that I'd ever experienced, it was almost magical when his lips would mould to mine, I could _feel _the love he had for me in every kiss, every touch.

And all of that was a lie.

What did I need love anymore for?

It was a blasphemous emotion; no good ever came of it.

_I _didn't need any of it.

So I decided to be a normal teenage girl who hadn't experienced love before.

I _wanted _to be her.

I wanted to so that I could experience the one thing that I had always longed for with Edward, but never got.

I wanted intimacy, without the restrictions of love.

I wanted life.

So I sat up on Jacob's bed and kissed him, I kissed him for the second time, and this time he didn't pull away.

This time, his arms circled around my body and held me close.

This time I _felt _the kiss without worrying about him, or Edward, or _anything._

_This time _I just kissed him, and felt him, and nothing else.

What happened next shocked the hell out of me. Jacob flipped us around so that I was underneath him and he was on top of me.

Thought startled, I continued to explore his mouth with my tongue.

I had never thought about this possibility with anyone but Edward.

I had wanted _him_ to be my first, but I had never entertained the idea of it being someone else, someone closer.

And as we deepened the kiss I felt something start to poke me in my stomach.

What was- oh!

Well I had to expect it didn't I, I mean after all he is on top of me on his bed.

But still, I didn't know if I was ready for this.

Not to long ago, I hadn't listened to myself when I went to our meadow.

I had foolishly gone there without even thinking about the consequences.

Now I had to think.

_Was I ready for this?_

I didn't think so.

I pushed a little on Jacobs's chest to tell him to stop.

He didn't budge.

I pulled my mouth away from his.

"Jake, you need to move."

He lifted his head up an inch from mine.

"What, what's wrong?"

"I don't think I'm ready for this Jake."

He frowned, and sat up.

"Do you realise that everything you do now-a-days revolves around him?"

The edge in his tone made flinch.

"If we go to the movies, it's never romance, when I listen to music you never do because it reminds you of him. Do you realise how many things you have given up because of _him_?"

He stood up and began pacing, I stood too but otherwise didn't move; I had to admit I was a little afraid of Jacob now.

"Television, books, baseball, _music,_ the computer," with every word I noticed he began to shake a little more, "EVERYTHING reminds you of him doesn't it!?"

I was frozen, I had never seen Jake act this was and I was more than I little shocked.

He fought to control his breathing and collapsed on the bed.

Slowly the shaking stopped and I was left just standing there in his small cramped room wondering what to do next.

"I'm sorry; it's just...a little frustrating."

What was a little frustrating? Me? Or my swirl of emotions.

I moved and sat down beside Jake, sometimes he tired so hard.

"I'm sorry Jake, I can't help it, and its just he was my _everything. _**(Yes I know cheesiest line EVER) **I have to learn how to live without him," I said looking at my lap.

I felt Jacob's finger move under my chin and lift my head up.

"It's not your fault. I shouldn't make you feel sorry for something you have no control over."

"But I do! I control myself, I should be able to control my feelings, and not have someone else do it for me."

I was beyond frustrated at the moment and I couldn't help but flop backwards on the bed.

Jacob chuckled and sat back to join me.

"You could always just find a hobby; you know, to keep you busy."

A hobby.

Something that I'd called Jacob earlier.

But I'd realised something. I couldn't use Jacob the way I'd use my diversion. I couldn't trade him in whenever I wanted and not think about the consequences.

I wouldn't do that.

"What do you think?"

I turned to look at him. What did I think? I had no idea what my hobby could possibly be.

"Like what?"

He shrugged his shoulders.

"I have no idea, it was just a thought."

He sighed and got off the bed.

"It's a bit stuffy up here; do you want to go for a walk?"

"Sure."

We walked for a while and before I knew it we were at first beach.

The sky was an uncharacteristic light blue and the ocean was just the same, the sun was reflecting off of it in a beautiful rainbow of colour.

I smiled faintly at the sight. The world was truly beautiful when you looked hard enough.

Jacob and I sat on the beach, not much was said, and it didn't need to be because we both understood the silence, it was comfortable, content and just _easy_. After a while we stood up and began exploring the tide pools like I remembered doing not so long ago.

"I didn't remember you that well but when I first saw that day at Charlie's all those memories came flooding back." I tuned to see Jacob looking out into the ocean but speaking to me at the same time.

"And when I saw you at your prom, I was struck by how beautiful you were. You were gorgeous, and I could tell that Edward didn't like the way I was looking at you but I couldn't help it. I couldn't _not_ look at you."

I had no idea why he was telling me this but I decided it was important enough to let him continue without interruption.

"Then when I heard you fell through a window in Phoenix I didn't know what to believe. Billy was blaming the Cullen's and I had no idea why."

There was silence for a few moments but it was soon broken.

"Then about six months ago they left and I watched as you crumbled to pieces. I was there you know, when Sam found you in the woods. Billy told me to stay home, but I just had to see you."

He shook his head.

"And boy did I see you. I wont sugar coat it Bella, you scared the living shit out of me."

My brows knit in confusion, how could I possibly do that?

"When I looked at you it was as though I was looking at a ghost. You were so pale, so much more than normal. And you wouldn't focus on anything. I watched as the Doctor tried to get an answer out of you but it was like you couldn't hear us. It was like you were looking through a fog."

He tuned to look at me and I saw all of the sorrow he felt in his eyes.

"When I left that night, I had hoped that with time you would be okay but... Billy kept getting calls from Charlie asking what to do with you. He was desperate; he didn't know what was going on in your head or how to snap you out of it."

He turned back to the ocean.

"We all tried, but nothing made it better. I was a little surprised when I saw you in the forest that day," he smiled to himself, "you were always more than a little stubborn, I remember that now."

He turned, and we walked back to the beach.

"Bella, it physically hurts me when you are in pain. Those months you were lost, I had to sit by hoping you'd see me. Eventually Billy told me to stop going. I would have argued but I knew he was right."

He turned towards me and looked me straight in the eye.

"Promise me that if you ever feel like that again, you'll come to me. _Promise me._"

I simply looked back at him I had no idea what to say and I was a little hard to answer with the intensity his gaze brought.

"S-sure," I stuttered brilliantly.

He shook his head.

"No Bella, I _need _you to promise."

I couldn't stand the look on his face so I agreed.

"I promise."

"Good," he smiled, and lazily put his arm around me.

The sun was setting and as we walked back to Jake's house I thought about how exactly I'd keep his promise.

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A/N Okay so again helping the plot along.

Victoria and Laurent aren't in this story and they aren't terrorising the town of Forks, therefore the other werewolves had no reason to change. Jake and Embry on the other hand are another story; I will not give away plot but let's just say they've had contact will another species.

Sam, Paul, Jake, and Embry are the only werewolves.

And this has nothing to do with this story but I feel the need to mention it. Yours truly along with EdwardIsLestat have co-written a one shot as an entry for the 'a very Cullen Christmas' contest. If you haven't already go check it out.

Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight not me.


	6. And then there was one

A/N This chapter is for crunchingnumbers and Ysar who are avid Reviewers for this story. Crunchingnumbers, all I have to say is that is the longest REVIEW I've ever gotten, and it wasn't stupid, it made me laugh.

So I'm writing this for you two.

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"_Promise me that if you ever feel like that again, you'll come to me. Promise me."_

"_I promise."_

"_Good," he smiled, and lazily put his arm around me._

_The sun was setting and as we walked back to Jake's house I thought about how exactly I'd keep his promise._

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_**As if I never existed...**_

Chapter 5- And then there was one

I drove back to my house in silence. The radio had been clawed out long ago and I was still recovering from the attack. As the wind from my open window blew though my hair I thought back to this afternoon.

How could I promise something so ludicrous? I had allowed Jacob in as far as I could but I didn't know weather I could allow him to be the one I always counted on.

I realised with a pang of regret that Jacob was already that person.

I already depended on him way too much for my own good. I called, he came. That's how it was.

I had never counted on myself to be a desperate and needy person before but I realised that I was now. I was desperate for Jacob. I was desperate that he'd be the one to save me. The one to remove this blessed curse from me and help to live normally.

But he couldn't be that person. I had seen it with my own eyes, he had a life, he had friends. Sure, he would make time for me but did I really want him to?

Did I really want to be the one that interrupted Jacob's life with mine?

No.

I did not. I want to be his friend, and despite where that kiss put us I was happy being just that.

I parked my truck on the side of the road and walked up the driveway. Charlie was supposed to be working late and so I had a little time to make dinner.

When I reached the door I pulled out my keys and opened the door, it was dark inside and as I stepped inside I searched for the light on the wall, awaiting the warm glow that came from the luminescence.

But that was not what I was met with when I turned on the light. When I flicked the switch I was met with complete and utter destruction. It looked as though someone had broken in and trashed the place. I might be new to Forks but I knew that break and enters were uncommon in this tiny town.

A sudden thought struck me. The person who's done this could still be here.

What if I wasn't alone?

I needed to stay calm, and so I slowly and quietly I edged into the house. All of the lights were off except the one I had turned on, and I had a sinking suspicion that the intruder had done this deliberately.

I needed to call Charlie; he would know what to do in a situation like this. Me, I had no clue. I was beginning to get a little spooked by the growing silence so I moved quickly towards the phone.

I picked up the cordless and rushed up to my room. All of the years of Charlie drilling defense measures into my head now kicking in. I needed to lock myself in my room and wait for help.

I ran up the stairs and slammed my door shut. There, I locked it and began dialing Charlie's number at the station.

"Hey, Bells. I'm just finishing up so you don't have to worry, I'll be home soon."

I needed to tell Charlie what had happened without freaking him out. He would surely panic if he knew I was home alone with this mess.

"Dad, there's been a break in," I confessed while closing my eyes, silently waiting for the bomb to drop, "I think you need to come home now."

"What? Where, what do you mean break in?"

"Here dad, someone's broken in here."

"WHAT? WHILE YOU WERE HOME? WHERE ARE YOU? DID YOU LOCK YOURSELF IN A ROOM LIKE I'VE TOLD YOU?"

So much for staying calm, "It's fine dad, I'm okay. I've locked myself in my room. Everything is perfectly fine...that is except the house."

"It's fine?! Look, I'll be right there Bells don't move."

I sighed and hung up the phone, there was no placating Charlie. I looked around my room to see if anything had been damaged up here. From the looks of it, everything was in its place.

Before long I heard Police sirens and I begged that Charlie hadn't enlisted the entire troop. Knowing him he'd have every officer up here with him, all five of them.

I rose from my bed when I heard Charlie's voice in the driveway. I moved to my door when for the first time I noticed a sheet of paper from my stationary box tapped to the back of it. I moved closer and ripped the note off of the door. A single line was written in smooth elegant cursive. The black ink seemed to run trough the words written on the paper.

I let my eyes read over the text that seemed, although smooth, quickly recorded.

_You've been warned._

There was no signature, no elaboration, just those words.

What did that mean?

I heard the familiar heavy foot falls of Charlie's boots make their way up the stairs.

"Bells, it's me. Are you okay? You can open the door now."

I put down the note and opened the door to find a very distraught Charlie.

"Bella are you okay?"

"I'm fine dad."

I walked past him to the stairs and began my descent. As soon as I reached the bottom I saw many of the Forks police department milling around the destroyed living room. For the first time I allowed myself to access the damage. Mostly all of our chairs had been ripped by some sharp foreign object and any and all breakables were now under that state. The pale yellow curtains that for so long have hung as a simple shrine to Renee were now shredded and in heaps at the floor. I noticed Charlie talking to one of the other officers. Though engrossed in his work he kept sneaking glances at me every now and then.

There was nothing to say except emit a questioning sigh and wonder who had done all of this. In all his years Charlie had never earned a known enemy and most of the kids in this town have grown up seeing him every now and then. All around Charlie was well liked.

Who then would do such a thing?

"Bells?" I looked up from my spot on the shredded couch. Absently questioning how I had gotten there in the first place.

"You're going to go and stay at Billy's okay. You and Jake can have a sleep over or something." Ah my dad and his innocent thoughts. Only with Jacob would he find nothing wrong with sleeping over at a guy's house.

"Dad I'm 18. Legally, I can just get a motel for the night."

"No."

"But dad, I don't want to inconvenience them, and Billy has enough to deal with-"

"I already talked to him and he said to come on over." _Okay_.

"And how long am I supposed to stay at Billy's." I asked, secretly dreading imposing on Jacob anymore then I already had to.

"Until we figure this out." Charlie replied sternly.

I sighed and went upstairs as Charlie had told me to go and pack some things. I would be staying at Jacob's house no matter what, and since I had no idea what to expect I decided to pack the essentials and then some.

About an hour later we were pulling up at Billy's in the cruiser. Billy was in the driveway and Jake was already lifting my bags out of the back.

"Bell it might be awhile before you can come home. We still have to fix everything and find the person who did this."

"Yeah, I'll see you later dad."

After an awkward moment in which Charlie gave me a one armed hug I got out of the cruiser and greeted Jacob.

"Hey, Bella!" Jacob greeted with real enthusiasm.

"Hey Jake," Like always whenever Jacob appeared all my worries were cast aside and I grew inexplicably happy.

"Hey Bella, sorry to hear about your house, is everything okay?" He was always genuinely concerned about me.

"Its fine," not really wanting to talk about it. "Looks like a basic break & enter. But then there was that note," I remembered back to the message I found taped to the door. Those words still brought utter confusion my way, and I had yet to understand it.

"A note?" Jacob questioned. He was leading me upstairs to his sister's unused room. He placed my bags on the bad and turned to face me. "They left a note?"

It was nothing, no reason for interest and I regretted bringing it up. "No, it's noting."

"What did it say," he interrupted.

"Something like a warning, I'm not sure."

"What exactly did it say Bella?" He probed, his face held an unknown fear that I had never seen before.

"I don't know _You've been warned _I think. Why what does it matter." But Jacob wasn't looking at me. He was fixated on a spot somewhere on the carpet. His mouth hung open for about five second before he stared to shake.

"_Jake?" _The last time this had happened he had lost him temper with me. I didn't want that to happen again.

"I have to go Bells," he spat out and practically ran to the small door.

I was left standing where he had been moments before, wondering what I had done wrong.

What had I done?

* * *

Stephenie Meyer owns this not me.


	7. Promises, promises

A/N Ok so when I made a time line for this story (that's how I figure out what I'm gonna type) I said I would have to change some things around. So in context there will be ONE lemon, maybe two, but right now just one. And although I'm not putting Victoria in this story I think it would be necessary to put Laurent in. Rest assured that is all the change you are going to see.

This chapter is what is going through Bella's head.

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_I was left standing where he had been moments before, wondering what I had done wrong._

_What had I done?_

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_**As if I never existed...**_

Chapter 6- Promises, promises

I lay in a comfortable bed that had wonderfully soft sheets and pillows that gave off absolute serenity, but I couldn't sleep.

Jacob had left me in this room _hours _before and had still not returned. He was gone, off somewhere I could not follow. Billy's response to his only son's departure was even more confusing. He didn't seem invested in the concerned parental role at all. He simply said that when Jacob wanted to he'd return. What the heck did that mean? I found it increasingly frustrating that he was avoiding the topic, and even more suspicious that he didn't seem to care; so, I went to bed.

And I stayed awake for five hours because of my inability to concentrate on sleep.

It seemed with every sound the night brought it was whispering, screeching or howling _Jacob_. And with every noise my desire grew stronger. I _needed _to know what was going on, _needed _to rather than wanted to.

Recently, I've felt the last few trickles of solitude on my back. Edward's abandonment left me with a better understanding of myself; and I now knew that I couldn't be left alone.

It was a small thing but when put into perspective the magnitude of this situation was staggering.

I was alone.

Jake, wasn't here.

The painful sting of those three words left a frightening familiarity that horrified me.

It seemed, I had been abandoned a second time.

No, that couldn't be the case. Jacob cared. He showed me that he wouldn't leave me like _he _did. He showed me that he cared for me more than the average friend, and he proved it time and time again.

He proved that he could be loyal when he visited and re-visited all those months ago.

He proved that he could be thoughtful when he came to see me, almost every day, for a month. Just to see how I was doing.

He proved _himself_.

Though even after this little revelation I still felt the same way. I was still left wondering if Jacob would indeed come back. Even after all he's done for me, I still doubted him.

Why did I still doubt him?

I pondered that question for a while, wondering why on Earth I wouldn't trust Jacob. He was loving, caring, and truly special to me, and yet, I'd been lying when I promised him that I would immediately tell him of my problems. The truth was I was still invested in the idea of fight or flight. I wasn't sure if I had enough fight left in me; therefore, flight was my next logical reaction.

Flight, was what I'd learnt. It was what I'd come to be used to.

When he hurt me, I had tried to change myself. Change, in a way that I wouldn't be the same person that had been foolish enough to believe those false truths. I had wanted to begin anew, extract myself from the past and start fresh.

If only it were that simple.

I was wounded in those attempts, and learned that I could not necessarily be an independent person. I always seemed to depend on someone.

Maybe that was what was wrong with me.

I was a co-dependant person trying to live an independent life.

Would I always be _inter_dependent?

No, I would not.

I refused to believe that I could not survive on my own. I had done more than that when I'd lived with Renee. I had survived myself and managed to keep her afloat long before Phil showed up. My new found commitment phobia stemmed from…_him. _And now with everything I did it seemed to prohibit me from truly feeling what was meant to be felt.

I was no longer a zombie, but was I really that different?

For almost a month now my nightmares have been erased away, the dark circles that lived under my lids were now gone, and the absence of my personality had found its way back again.

But something still stopped me.

I wasn't living. It seemed that with every breath it went somewhere else than my lungs. I didn't feel my heart beating in the normal lub-dub pattern, but rather a strange and unfamiliar one that threatened me when I felt the walls of my sanity close and break around me.

I wasn't _here_.

And what was more I hadn't been here for a while now. Sure Jacob relieved some of the ever persistent tension, but it never truly disappeared. I was falling faster than I had before, because although I hadn't been fully _aware, _it had helped me further the pain that I was now experiencing. This pain was different from the normal deluded reasoning of my abandonment. This pain was brought forth not because I had resorted to changing parts of myself, and not because I was reduced to feeling the ultimate enemy, love, this pain was created by Jacob and Jacob alone.

He_ knew_ what it had done to me when Edward left. He understood and he still left me. I didn't not enjoy being selfish, and was fully aware that he didn't consider my fragility when disappearing off in the woods. Though, that is what it truly boiled down to.

How can I trust someone who doesn't trust me in the same way?

I knew he loved me, but at the same time, what was love without trust?

It was a conflict that I didn't know how to resolve. On the one hand it was Jacob, a long time friend that put me above everything else beyond what was possibly sane. And again on the other, the Jacob I knew had changed into someone capable of keeping secrets and telling false truths.

It was the honesty that I craved, and the honesty that I knew I wasn't going to get.

To achieve honesty we would have to become more to each other than just friends. I already counted on him more than I should, and was subsequently pulling him away from his life, a feat that I had already sworn I would not do.

So what was I to do now?

I was alone in more ways than one and the only thing I had to go on was a couple words written in neat script that was probably crumpled in my trash can.

Those three words had taken someone I had trusted away from me. Not directly, but in whatever Jacob felt he needed to accomplish by running away, is a result of that script.

So here I lay in this comfortable bed. Knowing that no matter what, the loss of an existence was not a good thing.

It had never been a good thing, but, somehow right at this moment, it felt ten times more forceful than before. Before, I had mourned its loss after then numbness I had felt, but now, some odd months later, this loss still finalised all of my actions.

When would it be that I would be able to live, live a life that wasn't coupled to this one?

Why was it that whatever I seemed to do, whichever direction I took I always ended up in the same place.

Alone.

I was alone no matter what and nothing changed that.

So much for promises.

So much for closure.

So much for love.

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A/N Like a house of cards things are about to topple to the ground.

S. Meyer owns this.


	8. When it all comes tumbling down

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So much for promises.

_So much for closure._

_So much for love._

* * *

_**As if I never existed...**_

Chapter 7- When it all comes tumbling down

There was a distinct creaking sound and I shot up bed. I was alone, and still a little on edge because of the break in.

"Bella?"

I squinted into the darkness. I could not see the dark figure that rested beyond the door frame in the darkness, but I was pretty sure that that had been Jacob's voice.

"Bella, are you awake?" The voice asked once more.

I sat up completely, changing levels for the first time all night.

"Yes, I'm awake." _And more than a little confused as to why your here_, I added in my head.

He came in and the moonlight illuminated his features. His head was bowed and I could see that his shortened raven hair was not pulled back like it usually was and it covered, almost carelessly, most of his face.

"Jacob, what is it?" I asked, my previous internal debate forgotten in the wake of concern for my current friend.

"Nothing, Bella. I just thought you might want an explanation."

It was true, I did want an explanation, but I was unsure as to _why _I was getting one.

"Um, yeah, okay."

He chuckled at that, and sat down on the edge of my bed. The cold Forks air pressed on me and I pulled the thick afghan closer. It was chilly, but even from this distance I could still feel the heat that always seemed to radiate from him.

He slumped back and rested his head on the old wrought iron bars that made up the foot bord.

Time seemed to pass by slowly as I waited for him to begin.

"Its hard Bella, I want to tell you what happened, but at the same time, I can't. I have to figure out a way to tell you without telling you."

He sighed a frustrated sigh and slumped back further on the bed, so that he lay vertically.

I struggled to come up with a possible solution. He needed a way to reveal what he was trying to tell me, without actually telling me. How could that work?

"Maybe you could find away around it. Give me hints. What exactly aren't you supposed to say?"

"I'm not supposed to tell you anything. I'm sorry Bella, but I don't think I can find a way around it."

"What _can_ you tell me then?" I said, frustrated.

"All I can say is that I'm supposed to stay away from you for a while. For a long while." He murmured.

I stared fixedly at him. He could not be serious. The very thing that I had feared would happen had come true. The ridiculous conclusions I had come up with of Jacob leaving me weren't reality. I hadn't guessed right.

Had I?

The shock overpowered the pain. I didn't know what to think let alone say as we sat in this companionable silence. Jacob hadn't said a word.

"W-what do you mean?" Surely I had heard him wrong. Surely this wasn't the reality.

"Bella...we can't be friends anymore. You can still stay here until your house is fixed, but after that...I think we should stay away from each other."

I was still looking at him, I had not moved.

The dark shadows that were cast by the pure and white moonlight left his face in semi darkness. It left me wondering if he was truly the villain that that shaded side provided, or, was he the illuminated side. The side that would always be my sunshine, my light.

Which Jacob was the real Jacob?

Which Jacob was telling me the truth?

Where was my sun?

"Bella...Bella. B-E-L-L-A?"

I shook my head and was brought back to the present.

"Are you okay?" Jacob asked.

I stared at him in disbelief, was I _okay_?

"NO I'm not okay!"

He jumped a little at the volume of my voice but otherwise remained still. I could not believe that he would not know me enough to understand my feelings. All of the things that I'd feared were coming true and he was not even within the same understanding as I was.

I wrenched myself away from him, and being on the small twin bed that landed me on the floor.

"Bella, are you alright?" Not in any of the ways you're thinking.

"No I'm not Jacob," I had finally had enough. He had been there and he had been generous, but he had also been gone. And I wasn't in the need of a conditional friend. "Jacob, whatever you feel you can't tell me is fine. I don't need to know your secrets, but you can't keep doing that!" I said, gesturing at his outstretched hands that had failed to catch me as I fell.

I would bet the rest of my sanity that Jacob's eyebrows had just come together in confusion.

"Keep doing what?" He said slowly, giving me victory in my one sided bet.

"This," I said grabbing both of his hands that were still in mid air, grasping nothing. "I...I don't want you to be my one time friend. I-I can't bear it."

Jacob's hand flipped and grasped mine, pulling me close. I cried silently in his arms until I realised he was doing exactly what I had asked him not to.

"Stop," I pushed on his chest and had no effect. It was as solid as a rock. I smiled a little at the irony in that sentence.

"Bella, what are you talking about? Why are you pushing me away?"

Was he serious? I was surely not the one pushing him away, but rather, it was the other way around. I simply couldn't be used the way he was intending for me to be, I couldn't bear it.

"Jacob," I said between sobs, "I can't belong to you in parts. If you want me then you have to take all of me, not just the part that you can hold," I moved closer, "and touch," I reached out and held his face in my palm, wishing I didn't have to say this, "or..."

I looked up into his dark eyes and he moved in without my invitation and kissed me. This kiss was so different from the others. It was not driven but desperation or lust or even insanity, this kiss was driven by understanding. This was a kiss that declared only one thing, goodbye.

His lips moved with mine as we both fought for supremacy, but settled with a smooth rhythm than left me breathless.

My lips left his and I stood there, in his arms, just looking at him. I did not want to think of what I had just done, but I knew that with my words I had showed him where I stood, and he the same.

His hand rose and cupped my face; his thumb stroked my cheek, leaving a trail of fire in its path. "I'm so sorry Bells."

He moved in and his lips met mine once more, "so sorry," he murmured, the heat from his mouth blowing into my face making me dizzy.

I didn't know how much time passed, it being such a conditional thing, but we stood there for some time. Saying goodbye without actually saying it.

It seemed that Jacob's presence had not lost its charm, for all too soon I felt the pull of the night on my lids. I was falling asleep with my eyes open when I felt Jacob move me back to the bed. The sheet that had haphazardly fallen on the floor with me was pulled back, and snugly wrapped around me. I felt the ease of the mattress and only one thought occurred to me.

"Stay."

One last request.

And he did.

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A/N Is Jacob good or bad? Did I just reinforce some of your beliefs for those on team Edward?

And crunchingnumbers I kinda stole your sunshine analogybut in my defense I don't have new moon with me, so I don't know what she actually says. I believe its sun, but I'm not sure, I read it like a year ago.

S. Meyer owns Twilight.

And crunchingnumbers owns the sunshine. ;)


	9. PLUG

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Okay so If you've read the title you know this isn't a chapter. (I just updated geez)

The reason many of you are now angry and disgruntled is because I can't say I'm above self advertisement.

I have this other story going, and well, if you like this , then you'll like _What is love?_ too.

Title? I just told you. _What is love?_

Summary? All her life, Isabella looked for the happily ever after in life.  
When she meets a mysterious man in a chance encounter, will she find it?

Why the heck is it about?

Well, its a Bella and Edward fic. Its basically a love story _distinctlyforbidden_ style.

So you lovely readers, while your waiting for me to spit out another chapter for this story, go give my other one a look.

Tell me what you think. And leave a review.

Oh and for those of you who despise Bella and have said to yourself 'I'm not gonna read it' for that reason, read it anyway.

The genre is Hurt/Comfort/Romance and I'm not afraid to burn a character or two.

Have a lovely day!

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	10. Visit

A/N I felt guilty for leaving you guys out of the loop for so long so I've put up a sort of schedule for updates of my stories.

I'll try to update that so that it's always accurate.

As for an excuse for why this is late, be satisfied that there was a good reason.

I'm updating this story first because WIL's chapter needs a little fixing.

So here you go, a long-y

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_"Stay."_

_One last request._

_And he did._

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**_As if I never existed..._**

Chapter 8- Visit

The sun's rays came through Rebecca's long bare bedroom windows and rested upon my arms. It was morning, and after last night's event's I was both emotionally and physically drained. It took me no time at all to fall asleep and it was spent in a deliciously warm and comfy bed.

Warm.

The bed was unnaturally warm for just myself. I looked around, but met no one, or rather, no Jacob.

He was gone.

It was clear he had been here for most of the night; the bed still held most of the body heat Jacob emanated.

It seemed as if a piece of me was now missing, it had been there for so long now, but last night that piece had dislodged itself and was now floating aimlessly somewhere, and I couldn't get it back.

This, emptiness meant everything to me. I felt the same way when Edward left, and here it was again. There was no Jacob to bring me back and pick up the pieces, there was no one.

I picked myself up from the middle of the bed and sat up at the end of it. This was the moment that I would have to begin my life by myself. No one was here to help me, no one cared whether or not I would survive this over burdened tundra laced with confusion, no one.

I may have been temporarily living in the home of my comfort place, but that didn't mean I felt comfortable.

Quite the opposite; it was as if the blank faded purple walls were mocking me, rubbing in the non essentials, but outlining the fact that Jake wasn't here.

I had to admit; it hurt.

I needed to get out of here. I knew that was the opposite of what I should want though. Charlie had made it clear that I was not to leave the house alone; he was still on edge about yesterdays break in.

That didn't matter though, I needed to get out. I felt as if the comforting walls were no longer providing familiarity, but a stifling space non occurrence.

I needed somewhere familiar, somewhere I felt safe.

Somewhere no one would look for me and I could figure this new shift out for myself.

It came to me so quickly that if I'd been standing then I'd have swayed on the spot.

I almost felt guilty, I had rarely allowed myself the opportunity to think about the Cullen's, and now I was fully contemplating visiting the old mansion.

This was different though, their house was not as intimate to me as the meadow had been, and I could easily justify my feelings of security at the mere thought of the big house in the woods.

That was the place where I had met everyone; every member of my new family had been displayed, introduced and accepted immediately.

In short I had subconsciously boxed carded and catalogued my family right then and there.

And I'd lost them.

It really was painful to think about, and over the past couple of months, the mere thought of Edward had me depressed beyond the mend.

So imagine thinking about them all at once.

It was agony. And then, like an ungracious wind, thoughts of the family I had lost brought unwelcome thoughts of Edward.

Thinking of them was hard; thinking of him was that much more strenuous; but putting them all under one picture and painting them as a whole, that was freaking depressing.

Why? Because it just pointed out more of what I had lost, and once more I had another image that was mocking me in flamboyant letters, waving large neon flyers and saying 'there's no one to hug', because truly there wasn't.

But I needed to go; I needed to be away from Jacob and all that reminded me of him at the moment, even if that meant putting myself thought a more painful experience.

So I rose from the bed with what I'm sure was a more than determined look on my face and dressed for the day. I couldn't help but notice my underlying dressing habits. It's as if leaving, Alice had made me more self conscious of my fashion decisions and began the reverse psychology necessary to change my dressing habits.

One green blouse and old pair of jeans later and I was descending the stairs. I knew better than to expect Jacob there after last night, somehow, I got the feeling that he would now be avoiding me.

Surprisingly I was fully alert. Usually after an emotionally torturous night I'd be waking up form the gloom of my haunting nightmares, but astoundingly, I had none, and that left me with no underlying problems to face this bright and cheery morning.

The kitchen was quiet and I found Billy reading the newspaper at the two seated table inside of the little nook the place created.

"Good morning," I said out of courtesy, the ever persistent charade was back on for those on the outside.

Billy nodded once and put down the paper to look at me, I cringed as his easy going face lined with suspicion, and the eyes that held so much wisdom seemed to appraise me. I stood there for a good thirty seconds under Billy's scrutinizing gaze. I turned around out of habit and began my search for the cereal and bowls. I was nervous, why would Billy look at me that way, the only other time I'd seen his eyes flash was when I'd been with...

Let's not continue that train of thought.

"In the cupboard to the left," he said absentmindedly.

I nodded my head so he could see and moved over so that I was in the correct area. When I had what I needed I finished assembling my breakfast and sat down.

"So Bella, what are you plans for today?" Billy asked casually.

He couldn't know could he? Other that the stare off we had just had there was nothing that indicated that something was wrong, and I was about to do something highly stupid right? Of course not, in my time I'd only known one mind reader, and some glitch in my abnormal brain prevented even he from reading it.

So I smiled my now conscious fake smile and fabricated a trip to the beech that I'd been dying to make but never got the chance to. I believed my story myself by the convincing nature of my voice and was pleased that Billy seemed to be as well.

When I'd finished my breakfast and Billy was done with his newspaper I excused myself and went upstairs to change. I'd need a change of clothing to bring along with me just in case the 'Vampire' smell still clung to the house. There'd be no explaining if I came home with the remnants of the Cullen's clinging to my clothes.

I packed quickly; I had no idea if Jacob was purposefully avoiding me of if he had some type of werewolf duty to attend to. I'd not been properly filled in, but I knew that the leader; Sam, told Jacob and Embry and Paul what was meant to do, or rather guard. I personally didn't see Forks as a danger zone, but then again, it was the home of several werewolves and the occasional passer by (not to mention the little over a half a dozen vampires that had passed). I didn't argue, there was no need to, Jacob needed an out and he got one. After all I was the one that didn't want him wasting his life over some broken old shell of a person, and now he wasn't.

He should be happy.

I, on the other hand had to work on staying sane before I could worry about such luxuries. I finished packing the small bag of clothes that looked quite similar to the ones I was wearing and threw it out of the window, I could not, and did not want to have to explain the bag to Billy later, and I could easily make up a story that I had fallen and gotten coated with mud, therefore explaining the change of clothes; it was an easy lie.

I crept slowly down the stairs; it was almost as if the entire house knew what I was up to. The normally bright living room was filled with shadows and a silence that seemed to penetrate everything. It was highly nerve racking to walk through such calm.

"Bella," someone said from behind me.

"Argha," I said incoherently as I jumped and turned around. Billy gave me a strange look before waving and rolling off back to the TV. They had recently gotten themselves a TV that rivalled Charlie's, and I'm sure Billy was now watching some sort of sporting event.

"Bye," I mumbled half heartedly, afraid of saying anything else.

I slipped out of the door and made my way around the house, there laying in the slightly overgrown grass was my bag. I picked it up and made my way to my truck, subconsciously waiting to be apprehended. No one knew of my plan and I was sure that there'd be no other way anyone would know what I was up to, but I was somehow still on edge, the fear of being caught still clung to me and I sped up my movements so that I could leave that much sooner.

I drove at the slow pace that my truck allowed me. The simple urge to gun it down the highway evaded me, and I was anxious all the way to the border. I wasn't stopped though, a contrast to the growing fears I experienced. As soon as I passed the border Billy had described to me I felt the anxiety leave my body. I relaxed in the seat and slowed minimally. I may be on the Cullen's side of the line, but that did not mean I was safe from capture, their absence left free reign on whatever was left of the boundaries.

I let my mind wander as my red blur sped through Forks.

I would be seeing the Cullen's again, well not exactly them, but as close to them as I could get. The hurt I felt was not at all directed to any of them, knowing Edward, they were most likely forced to leave. I could not even imagine Alice willingly leaving me without a goodbye, Rosalie maybe, but not Alice.

Surprisingly, this didn't alter my mood. It didn't anger me in the slightest that everything had been taken away without its willingness or my permission, I felt almost selfish to imagine that I held even an inkling of that power. I am alone now because of one person; me.

It was my fault, and my stupid idea to put my sensitive 'translucent' skin underneath that sharp paper. Of all the idiotic things I had done, doing that, in a room full of vampires none the less was pretty fucking stupid.

I would not be bitter, after all bitterness doesn't get you anywhere. I'd seen Rosalie hold the full embodiment of bitterness, and where had it gotten her? Nowhere. My once timid self would have never admitted this, even in the safety of my own mind, but I was no longer the timid shy Bella I once was. She was long gone, fragments of who she was were still embedded into my subconscious, but I don't think I would ever blush from provocation again.

It took me about an hour to get to the mansion in my truck, I had never before appreciated the slowness of it and now that I understood, I began plans to save up and replace it. The nostalgic treasure had served its purpose, but I now constantly had an overwhelming urge to flee. How would that be accomplished by something that barely went over fifty?

After making my way up the winding private road that lead to the mansion, I was met by a strange sight. The grass that should have been overgrown was not, as well as the garden. Everything was exactly as it had been months ago and I could not understand why.

Were they back?

They couldn't be.

A solitary tear streaked down my face before I had the chance to stop it. Looking around, it didn't look like the Cullen's had left at all.

Had they returned, only to ignore me once more?

I slowly crept over to the garage, I'm sure they would have heard me by now, but I needed to make sure before I left here.

I opened it as quietly as I could; squinting into the darkness because of the unhelpful forecast Forks provided. I looked around for a brief moment before the light flipped on.

There were no cars in the garage.

But there was one Vampire.

"You must be Isabella, I've been told to expect you."

I could say nothing at her words, only stare.

"I'm Irina, and I'm pleased to meet you."

So much for a short visit.

* * *

A/N I'm a fan of suspense.

Does anyone see the irony in her words? She saying she doesn't want to be bitter when she clearly is.


	11. Boundaries

A/N I had no breaking Dawn with me to help with this chapter so I had to pull it from somewhere unpleasant *example of my strange humour*

NOTE –Belladonna I thank you for your criticism but next time you feel the need to make a smart ass comment make sure it is correct. In certain countries such as Canada realise is spelt with an S. It has been done so since the British floated over in their boats and stuck a flag in the ground (Though France was here first the British gained control and governed). There, two in one; history and spelling lesson.

cruncingnumbers and xXQuietSorrowXx awesome reviews. Honestly the other one's I got made me slightly mad and yours were nice and refreshing. It means a lot to have your support.

Now, I left you with a cliffy, which I apologise for (also spelt with an S) but it was necessary.

* * *

_I looked around for a brief moment before the light flipped on._

_There were no cars in the garage._

_But there was one Vampire._

"_You must be Isabella, I've been told to expect you."_

_I could say nothing at her words, only stare._

"_I'm Irina, and I'm pleased to meet you."_

_So much for a short visit._

* * *

_**As if I never existed...**_

Chapter 9- Boundaries

JPOV

It had been awhile. I had left Bella in bed, safe in the security my home provided. I hoped against all unforgiving odds that she could find it somewhere in her to forgive me. It wasn't my fault that I wasn't allowed to go anywhere near her, a feat that was damn near impossible now that we were living in the same place, but it didn't matter, those bloodsuckers saw me as the dangerous one, _me. _I could only hope I could keep Bella on our side of the line long enough to see her safely off to University. A longs way off but she wasn't safe, not here, not there. The only possible solution I could find was an island, preferably sunny, maybe when she graduated I could suggest she go to Hawaii like my sister had and study there. There was no doubt in my mind that Billy had planned things in his favour since we were little. I'd always found it strange that Rebecca had suddenly decided to live in one of the hottest and remote places the US provided.

I still held hope for Bella, she still had a chance. The filthy leech who'd left her had unknowingly freed her from the burden it was to be a boundary guard. We, the wolves were now responsible for her safety, something that was proving harder than normal as I watched the blonde parasite order me around. I absolutely loathed her, she was more of a monster than our old legends had recounted her to be and I was positive that whatever interests she had in mind were not in Bella's favour.

I ran the last two miles it took to get to my house and stopped in the patch of trees that made up the thicket.

Phasing had become more than easy since I'd started to focus. Sam had said that it was beyond normal for a young wolf like me to have so much control, but I guess I could credit my ancestors for that little 'gift'. It had only taken me weeks to be able to shift at will.

_Make sure Bella is alright _

Sam's authoritative voice rang through my head right before the heat that encompassed my spine passed and left a slight tingle in its wake.

I did not need to be told, Bella was my first and foremost priority, and I feared after last night she would only pull away from me from this point on.

I untied the string of clothes that had been tied around my ankle and proceeded to dress myself. If I had one complaint about turning into a furry beast (besides the obvious) it would have to be dealing with the nakedness afterwards.

I made my way up to the house and met Billy in the living room.

"Hey son, everything alright?"

I smiled, but decided to get straight to the point, "Yeah, have you seen Bella?"

His face fell slightly, but he hid it well, something was up.

"Yeah. She uh, went to the beach."

Why was that such a big deal? If she'd gone to the beach then I'd just join her later, there was no harm in her visiting anywhere on our side. I made a quick sandwich and wolfed it down appreciatively.

"Which beach," I mumbled loud enough to hear through the remaining food in my mouth.

I herd Billy's casual grunt along with his reply, "First, I think, she wasn't actually clear."

That right there sent up warning signals. "What do you mean she wasn't actually clear," I still had the glass of milk in my hand I'd made for the remnants of my sandwich.

I saw Billy shift uncomfortably, "I realise the two of you had a fight so I didn't want to discourage her, but...I'm not exactly sure she was going where she said she'd be."

I was out the door before he'd finished his sentence, I needed to pick up her sent and make sure she was alright. I ran the length of the trees in less than the seconds it took for me to rip of my restrictive clothing and shift into something that wasn't human.

I ran like my life depended on it, and I could hear Sam's confusion as to why I was in such a panic and I quickly replayed what Billy had told me. I then opened my mind to my surroundings, if anything was wrong I'd need back up.

I pushed my arms and legs past their limit and darted through the trees. It was silly, to feel such a connection to someone that was understandably indifferent, but Bella meant more to me than I could ever explain. She was different, someone you would come across once in a millennia, and she was mine.

At strange as it sounds I felt as if I was her second chance, her first had not been as appreciative as she deserved, but, I felt, that I could give some of the love and devotion she so desperately craved.

At least, that was the plan, until I was told to 'stay the hell away from her, dog'. I'd been pretty generous with my patience for the leeches, but that was the last straw.

I could not, and did not want to listen but I knew I had to, she wasn't a resident of LaPush, which meant that technically I had no hold on her. The mere thought of _any _of those bloodsuckers holding claim on her (or anyone else for the matter) was sickening, but I knew that the treaty we had in place had kept those Cullen's in line. They weren't allowed (under any circumstances) to change, or _eat_ any of their residents, something that I'd been shocked they'd agreed to.

That didn't stop one of them from falling in love with her though, Edward was his name. I'd only met him once, but I'd instantly despised him, he'd broken Bella, turned her into what she was today. Despite my efforts she was now a shell of the woman she once was, and it was all _his _fault. Ripping himself from her, 'a clean break' was what she'd murmured in her sleep. I knew those were not her words, although sleeping she'd uttered them with a slight frustration and bitterness. I still had no idea what he'd said to her that day, and by the sheer terror that war Charlie down night by night I didn't want to find out, but, I wanted to help her, I needed to. So I was checking on her, making sure that even though I'd been forced to leave her alone, she knew that I was still physically here.

I was met with a devastating revelation. She had been in her truck, which muted the smell, but I was positive that it did not head to the beach like my father had been told it would.

It headed toward and past the border.

And into Forks.

And into danger.

* * *

A/N Another cliffy, but hey you'll get the explanation in a little tickle.


	12. SU & PE

A/N So the following is because I love my readers (I'll love you even more if you review)

You'll have to deal with the whole tortured soul thing for a bit but then I promise it gets good.

**Now this is a little public service announcement, Britcat-Twilight lover (in my favourites) had a low amount of reviews in her story the shadow and the womanizer (also in my favourites), it's a really good story so go and check it out.**

_

* * *

I was met with a devastating revelation. She had been in her truck, which muted the smell, but I was positive that it did not head to the beach like my father had been told it would._

_It headed toward and past the border._

_And into Forks._

_And into danger.

* * *

_

_**As if I never existed...**_

Chapter 10-Self understanding and Personal enlightenment

**1 Month Ago**

EPOV

I was in the proverbial hell, no scratch that, this was hell. Life without Bella was so much more torturous that I had imagined, and I was continually haunted by the ghost of her presence. The minute details of her character were embedded into my memory, and they will stay there until my demise, however long off that may be.

I could not face anyone, because I knew what they'd say. I was the one who had to tell them that we needed to go, to leave, away from _her._

There was no one to fault but myself.

I shifted my body. I was now facing an indistinct brick wall in which the cracks created were from a combination of stress and time. I raised my hand and ran it over the rivulets in the wall, it was dark but I could still see the different patterns created. They went from individual lines but always ended up joining together so that they made up one large deformity.

Something so simple, so plain could be used to describe my now confounded and disproportioned life. It had seemed to be only _months_ ago that I was happy, that _everyone _in my family was happy, but now, disaster.

One event had changed everything, and one event had opened my eyes.

I _knew _it had been a bad idea to get involved with a human, I had warned her, but she hadn't listened, and neither had I. I could not blame Bella though, she was human, and however she argued against it, naive. Bella didn't seem to understand that I was a predator, something _made _to kill.

Jasper had opened my eyes to that, and even though it had all gone to hell, I appreciated it because if it hadn't been him, it would have been me.

How easy would it have been to fulfil my vampire quota and drink from the siren's ever flowing stream? It would have been easier that I could care to imagine, but I had prided myself in the knowledge that I cared more about her body than her blood.

That is exactly the type of arrogance that had awakened me though. Here I was a _vampire _and she was my _singer, _someone I cared for more than anything and I was being careless.

Bella was...Bella was perfect, everything that I could ever want, but that didn't matter, she was far too pure to be tainted by the likes of me. So I left, in hopes that one day she would find someone worthy of her affection and kindness.

Bella deserved better.

And I deserved nothing at all.

It was mind numbingly dull where I was situated; even I had no clue as to where I was. My best guess was that I was somewhere in the southern US, near Alabama I think.

I needed to be as far away from everyone else as I possibly could. I could not control my emotions and I knew that it would put Jasper in physical pain to feel what I am feeling right now.

But seclusion helped.

As soon as my family left for 'California' I switched directions and headed south. I needed time to think, and despite the fact that _I _was the mind reader, I needed to be the only one in my head.

With permission, I settled down in the quietest, loosely populated of places I could find, but I had yet to come to some miraculous self understanding or personal enlightenment. There was no way that I could see that my future would somehow work out in my favour. I could always ask Alice, but then I would actually have to talk to her.

I had barely spent anytime with my family in the past five months. I had spent more time staring at a local's standard size barn than I had speaking on the phone to Esme. It was just too painful. Call me a coward, but I couldn't bare to see the look on everyone's faces from what I've done. It was much easier to just remove myself from the problem.

And here I was, sitting in my own mess staring at an old settlement I've only heard described in Jasper's stories.

Fucking pathetic.

There really was no use for _anything _anymore.

I strayed from humans so that I didn't have to hunt and revel in what I _truly _was, and I didn't immerse myself in the outdoors enough to receive an audience when I walked down the street. I hadn't hunted in...two months? My perception of reality was distorted, and the only handle I had of time was the silver phone kept for emergencies in my back pocket.

How much longer did I have to remain out here to see whatever there was to see?

How much longer until I could go back and check on –NO! I could never go back, there was a reason I'd left in the first place, I DIDN'T WANT TO DANM HER TO AN ETERNITY OF HELL.

I needed to engrave that in my brain hard enough so that it actually stuck, problem was, I'd always been a selfish being.

I stirred out of my internal monologue from the ringing of the phone so conveniently located in my back pocket.

"Hello." I was past ignoring the cyclic pleading of my family. What was once necessary was now being neglected.

"Edward, I need you here, now." There was a slight edge to Alice's voice that I wasn't used to hearing, but I could tell that she was trying to keep it together and was fighting her own body's terror.

"Alice what is it? Oh god, is it Bella?" The not-so-tender ache at the mention of my beloved ripped though me, but I couldn't loose face on the situation, I would sacrifice myself before I'd let anything happen to her.

"Just get here. Soon."

"What about-" I didn't need to finish my sentence because Alice already knew what I wanted to say.

"I've already taken care of it, just get here." The phone was snapped shut and all I could hear was the dial tone.

Previously, I had been in some type of trance so deep that I was emotionally and mentally detached, but with the possibility that Bella could be in any type of danger I snapped my loose hold on reality in place so that I would be able to focus on what was important.

Bella.

So I rose from my new found residence on the floor and took off, I needed to...crap, I needed to hunt.

My thirst had unknowingly become unbearable and without my consent I took down a nearby horse quickly, it saddened me to have to take such an expressive animal, but time was of the essence, and I needed to hurry. I regrettably buried the animal and began running in the general direction of the airport.

------

It took a couple of hours, but I was driving up to the house sooner that I thought. I had received some strange looks from people in the terminal, certainly questioning why I looked like a homeless man, but all questioning stopped as soon as I pulled out the shiny unlimited credit card from my wallet. It was amazing what you could get away with when you had enough money.

I didn't need to bother with opening the door because Alice was already there. The translucent panic I had heard thorough the phone was almost tangible now and I had a hard time calming my own emotions to hear what she had to say.

"Come," was all she said, and turned to lead me further into the house. I noticed very little as I followed her though the hallway and up a flight of stairs. I barely recognized the similarity of the furniture placed around the house in an attempt to re-create the same feeling of home. And I most certainly did not notice entering a study that was similar to Carlisle's back in Forks.

"Sit," said the voice of who, more than anyone else I considered to be my father.

I could not hold it back any longer. I had been damn near patient when Alice refused to tell me what had happened over the phone, I'd been even more gracious and had followed her instructions, but now here I was, and I still didn't have any inclination as to what was going on.

"JUST TELL ME ALREADY!"

Carlisle looked a little taken aback from my outburst, but Alice only looked at me with understanding and slight pity in her eyes. I was fucking sick of this.

"What ever it is you have to say, say it. I've been avoiding all of you for a reason and now that I'm here I want it to be as painless as possible, so just spit it out."

As soon as those words left my mouth I realised how they could be interpreted. Alice looked so broken in that moment that if she were human she would cry, and Carlisle, he looked at me with more sadness in his eyes than I had ever seen before.

"Alice-"

"No, you're right. We've kept you out of the loop for long enough," she exhaled and then brought in a deep breath, mentally preparing herself it seemed, "I can't see Bella anymore."

It took longer than normal to process what she had just told me. I disregarded the pain the reminder brought and tried, unsuccessfully to wrap my mind around the idea. It seemed physically impossible and I needed further explanation.

"What do you mean you can't see her anymore?"

Alice unconsciously took a step back from a combination of the look in my eyes and the deadly calm tone of my voice.

"I-I don't know, but she's been disappearing for awhile now, but she's always come back!" She said hastily as my eyes were now slits.

She huffed and seemed to get back her 'Alice' persona.

"Look Edward, I can't focus with you plotting on ripping me to shreds so will you just listen to what I have to say. Bella is still alive, of that I'm sure, but more often than not I'm not able to see her. I can't explain it; it's as if she disappears off the radar or something. I called you because we _need your permission."_

I ground my teeth together at the sarcasm that was laced with the last three words.

I still didn't know why I was here; sure I cared for Bella more than anything but her welfare was no longer my responsibility, we had handed over our property to our closes friends; the Denali clan, and _legally _we couldn't do anything about Forks or Bella.

"I know what you're thinking and you know that won't be a problem, Irina says she's more than happy to help out. Did you know that she and L-"

"_Alice."_

"Right, so I it wouldn't be a problem to have her move down there to keep an eye on things."

I raised my eyebrows at her mention of the word 'things' but decided to let it go.

"What about the wolves?"

"They know the property now belongs to the Denali clan, if you'd have stayed around long enough you wouldn't have missed the transaction."

She was making it sound like a rare and priceless heirloom or something, when in reality it was just land.

"What do you propose?" Carlisle, spoke for the first time.

"Have Irina go up and keep an eye on...Bella." It was much harder saying her name out loud then it was in my head and I winced slightly at the pain my lifeless body produced.

"Tell her to do anything and everything she has to to keep her safe, and _visible."_

Both Alice and Carlisle nodded and we were left in a temporary silence until Alice's squeal caused me to whip around.

"Oooooh, now that that's over with, it really is nice to see you." For someone so small she was uncomprehendingly strong, and nearly took an arm off in her exuberance.

"Edward," she said pulling away from me slightly, "you have to stay," maybe she didn't understand why I left in the first place, "we haven't seen you since Christmas, and even then we didn't really see you so _stay_," she said forcefully.

"Besides, Esme is beside herself with worry. Just let us help you, please?"

Who could resist Alice and her pout?

"Fine."

"YAY!"

She jumped up and started zooming around the room.

"Everyone else is out hunting but they'll be back soon. OH I can't wait," she said at vampire speed and raced out of the room at a speed that rivaled mine.

I sighed; there was no going back now, my mission to forget about Bella had gone to hell awhile ago, but now it was officially ruined.

Despite the rational part of me that warned what this would bring, I couldn't help the small voice that expressed what I'd been trying to deny for so long now.

She was _mine, _forever & always.

* * *

A/N For my grade 12 English exam I had to write a 900 max. essay on King Lear's journey to self understanding or personal enlightenment. Sounds, easy, but you try writing that in two hours.

Oh and I haven't been asking lately but I feel like doing it now. REVIEW! Just leave a couple words telling me what you think.

**I'm making you a deal if a get 20 reviews for this chapter, then I'll post the next one tomorrow, guaranteed. All you have to do is review!**


	13. Mine, mine, all mine

A/N I know I'm drifting from the main plot but I promise you it is all intertwined. Kinda like King Lear, there's a plot and a sub plot; were experiencing the sub plot right now.

Okay I'm putting up a warning, I gonna be swearing like a pirate with no teeth for the next couple of chapters so if you don't like it, then, well read something else cause I already warned you.

I'm going to be focusing on this story for awhile before I go back to What is Love? Sorry if that makes anyone mad but this story is almost over and I have a strange urge to finish it.

* * *

_Despite the rational part of me that warned what this would bring, I couldn't help the small voice that expressed what I'd been trying to deny for so long now._

_She was _mine_, forever & always._

**_

* * *

_**

As if I never existed...

Chapter 11- Mine, mine, all _mine_

I stood there simply staring at her hand. I had never met Irina, but I recognized the name immediately from, _Edward's_, stories.

She was from the Denali clan.

It seemed Irina noticed my discomfort and withdrew her hand; she walked over to one of the power benches and sat down.

"Your heart rate is going wild, calm down, I'm not here to hurt you."

She used a soft and gentle voice that you would otherwise use for coaxing a child. I realised that I was still staring at her with wide eyes and made the attempt to relax my pose.

"Why don't we move into the house? You seem confused and a little sad; just give me the chance to explain everything."

There was a strange edge to her voice that immediately put me on guard, but I waved it away, she was a very close friend of the Cullen's and I should not fear her.

"Sure, sure." I'd do anything for answers; I was beyond confused as to why Irina of all people was living at the Cullen mansion, and I knew the only way to find out was to follow her into that house.

We walked the long driveway and up the porch steps, when we got to the door she pulled out a single silver key. Funny, even though I knew they had locks in this place I'd never seen anyone use a key before. Irina walked into the house and I hesitantly followed. It surprised me how much was the same, the walls, carpet and layout were exactly how I remembered it, and that stung. It was as though I was walking in on the past, one that didn't include me.

Irina didn't wait for me, she simply continued on, heading for what I assumed was the living room. I followed and sank down in the love seat she gestured to. This was getting to be more than a little weird.

"I'm guessing you have a whole list of questions, but before you ask I think it would be better if I told you a little story. It will help you understand." She said once she noticed my confused expression.

"It began quite a while ago, as you may or may not know my sisters and I are very old, older than Carlisle in fact. When a vampire exists for as long as I have they start to lose their sense of reality. Everything that keeps humans appreciative of _life _no longer exists, and they have to make due with that. It is easier if you have a mate or have chosen companionship the way the Cullen's have, a coven, among many things keeps you bound to reality."

I felt the strange sense of déjà vu; Edward had mentioned something along those lines when he told me of James's intentions.

"First what you have to understand was that life was very different then than it is now. About a thousand years ago there weren't as many vampires as there are today. The Volturi had just begun to establish themselves and were no more than a threat to those who lived the _regular _life style. You see, back in those days humans believed in monsters and witches and all that jazz. Living as a vampire was extremely difficult, if you were even suspected of anything remotely different you were sentenced as being a witch and were burned at the stake, no questions asked."

I nodded my head appreciatively and waited for her to continue.

"It becomes a bit monotonous, this life. People started to take claim to things, some went on rampages to claim cities, others went to war against one another. But what changed is their outlook. Everyone started to get greedy, mine, mine, mine, that's all anyone cared about. Soon, the Volturi had had enough and stepped in, the war's stopped and everything calmed a little. Some vampires who had been created especially for that life had nothing left to do with themselves, and those who were hungry for power were left with nothing. The Volturi thought it best to separate as many of them as they could, so they did. It's quite complicated, and it would be a waste of time to explain, but each little crop of land was divided and sold off. The humans own system was ignored. To them it might be Seattle, but we all know that land belongs to David and Mary's clan. Nice couple," she remarked.

I still did not understand what this had to do with out present day situation. So they'd divided the United States among them, so what?

"I don't-"

"Ah, ah, ah, I'm telling you this for your own good Isabella, all you have to do is listen."

I stayed silent and waited for her to continue.

"Like I said since there weren't too many vampires we each got a piece of land to call our own. The overall rule to be inconspicuous still applied, but we were now like the mayors of our own little towns. The same possessive vampires created rules; ask permission before you enter someone else's land, if you move or change residences you land will either be given away or sold, you know, the obvious. Oh and one rule that was quite important was that you _never_ hunt in someone else's land without permission. Most vampires I know wouldn't give permission anyway though."

I was slightly confused; didn't James do exactly that last year? Irina saw the confusion on my face and gave me a look of understanding.

"Yes, I know that has happened before, and breaking those rules are a big no-no. James and his coven entered the Cullen's land without permission yes, but the real deal breaker was hunting _you. _My understanding was that when James saw you, all rational though left the window, he became obsessed, and went in for the kill despite the consequences. He got what was coming to him, and so did Victoria."

My eyes snapped up at the mention of her name.

"You see the Cullen's have a very, _pure_ status among our people, based on others tips it wasn't very hard to track and kill her."

My eyes widened in understanding, why hadn't Edward told me any of this?

"Laurent on the other hand," she sighed, "I had to convince them that he wasn't a danger to you, that he could be trusted."

My blood ran cold at then end of her sentence, she had done what?

"He had come to stay with us, me and my sisters. He was different than James and Victoria were, he didn't hunt out of pleasure, but simply because of _need_. "

I simply stared at her. She was lost in thought and seemed to be basking in the remnants of new love. The sickeningly sweet fragrance of adoration clung to her as if she'd just gotten a new puppy. I swallowed the bile I felt rise in my throat.

She snapped out of her self induced haze and locked her amber gaze on me.

"When the Cullen's moved they transferred their property to us, namely me. I was sent here to keep an eye on _things_, and make sure everything was in order."

My eyes narrowed at the emphasis she placed on _things, _what exactly was left to keep an eye on?

"I was asked to keep an eye on you actually," she said as if reading my mind.

My eyes narrowed further, they were now slits, "_me?"_

She coughed uncomfortably, "yes, uh, I was to make sure that you were looked after, and kept away from certain _things._"

Again with that word.

"_Things?"_

"Yes," she seemed as a loss of how to put it, "keep you away from a certain mongrel, what was its name?"

"Jacob," I spat though my teeth.

"Yes, that's it."

I was too angry to answer her. Jacob has been the one person I could rely on, my safe place, and now he's been taken away because, because _someone _felt like it?

"What gives you the right to tell me who I can and can't see?" I yelled. I realised that I was being childish, but I had had enough of being controlled, playing a puppet did not interest me any longer.

"Edward wanted..."

I didn't hear what she had said next.

I didn't hear anything.

_Edward wanted..._

_Edward wanted..._

_Edward wanted..._

I didn't give a shit what _Edward _fucking wanted.

I got up from my seat. I didn't even bother saying anything to Irina because I knew if I did then it would come out in a raised volume and with a lot of cursing.

I had had enough of being controlled like some defenceless infant. My life was exactly that _mine _it didn't' belong to anyone, and I could do as I saw fit, and that included being reckless.

I'd made a promise. I'd promised to try not to do anything reckless or stupid, I'd promised to keep myself _safe, _but now all deals were off.

_Don't do anything reckless or stupid._

I was no longer going to play it safe.

No longer going to even remotely keep my promise.

Right now, I was going to be all of the above.

And there was nothing anyone could do about it.

* * *

A/N SO after the poor amount of reviews I received for the last chapter I decided to leave you with a little cliffie at the end to give you more incentive to review for this one.

I'm putting up the same deal, review 15 times (this should be easier), say _anything_, even 'update soon', and i'll update next day.

The next couple of chapters are the one's that really enforce the M rating for this story so have fun reviewing yall'


	14. The three steps to moving on

A/N Oh my gosh I'm flattered. You guys almost did it, just a couple shy of 15, but I wanted to thank all of those who reviewed anyway. I'm sorry if I haven't replied to all of you, but just know that you made my week.

Fanfiction has been a butt but now I can post again.

Alright now this for those of you who don't understand what's going on so far. I realise those of you who reviewed do, but I got several reviews from some who got a little confused while reading my story.

To sum it up.

Bella and Jake are no longer Jabake or Jabell (which ever you prefer). When Bella told Jake of the break in at her house and of the message, Jake of course freaked out and when to go see Irina. Since the Cullen's are gone the wolves see the treaty as a simple piece of paper, and aren't as worry some of crossing the border. This does not mean that Irina can cross; she is still bound by the boundaries created by the Volturi so many years ago. Yes, she could ask to cross over to the wolves' side, but do you really think they'd say yes?

Bella knows that Jake is a werewolf. She has since Jake told her about the cold ones. I have explained it; all you need to do is read my A/N's (see ch.2 a clean break)

Why is Jake listening to Irina? Because Bella lives in Forks. Yes, it's that simple. If you live in a vampire's boundaries, technically they have control over you. It's kinda like their the mayor of said land. Jake has no choice but to listen to Irina. Remember, his pack is four wolves big at the moment, not large enough to intimidate the Cullen's or Irina's coven, or (obviously) the Volturi. The wolves have _nothing _to do with Bella and Jake's separation.

Why haven't Jake and Bella talked about the whole werewolf thing? Well, Bella is too messed up to care. And she's leaving it alone right now. Jake on the other hand is worried about what she'll think about everything. She already knows but he's still self-conscious. They _will _talk about it eventually.

I think those are all of the questions I've received. Hopefully none of you are left confused.

OK, after this long ass A/N prepare yourselves for some serious quoting because I got my books back (bo-ya!).

Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight and all in Italics.

* * *

_Don't do anything reckless or stupid._

_I was no longer going to play it safe._

_No longer going to even remotely keep my promise._

_Right now, I was going to be all of the above._

_And there was nothing anyone could do about it._

* * *

**As if I never existed...**

Chapter 12- The three steps to moving on

That was it. The last fucking straw.

I sped away from the mansion as fast as I could, hoping with all my might that Irina was not following me right now. I knew if she was then I would have no choice but to turn around.

I wasn't even aware of where I was driving to; I didn't really have a plan so I just kept on driving. I knew I was going past what my truck was capable of (or at least trying to) in the general direction of Seattle.

I had come there to be able to breathe, only to be stifled once more.

I had had enough of him being in my life. He left, he had no right to care, no right to make sure I was alright.

'"_My world is not for you"._

'"_What happened was nothing...Nothing!"'_

'"_Bella I don't want you to come with me."'_

'"_You... don't... want me?"' _

'"_No."'_

'"_You're not good for me, Bella."'_

'"_You can go on with your life without anymore interference from me."'_

_It'll be as if I never existed..._

Fucking liar.

Now when faced with a previous question, do you give your previous answer?

Flight or fight?

My situation had changed, but what had just happened only reinforced my beliefs.

Flight, hands down.

I would begin my independence now.

I didn't allow myself to worry about any important problems. I just need time to breathe, time to sort everything out, surely Charlie could understand that, I would call him when I reached wherever I was going and tell him that I was ok.

School wasn't a problem either; my mind had barely registered the fact that I was experiencing Spring Break, which meant that I had a couple of days before I absolutely had to return.

Between all of the time that I'd spent there trying to busy myself with something in order to function, and all the time that I'd avoided it because I was having trouble functioning at all, it wouldn't matter if I was supposed to be there or not, they wouldn't miss me.

I sped past everything with no intention of stopping, stopping lead to capture, and I was only looking for an escape. I was sick of having to depend on others or worse, having others know you need someone to depend on. I was moving on, just like I should have done months ago. The only difference was, then I hadn't wanted to forget, even knowing he didn't want me or love me, I still let him stay with me, even in the most minuscule way, attached to my heart.

_Look after my heart, I left it with you._

Fuck. No.

I pushed the petal down a little harder, hoping that my truck could handle the abuse.

Fleeing in a truck this slow was impossible.

I drove for another hour before I allowed myself to really think at all. All of the emotions that I'd experienced over the past couple of months were now slowly creeping up and over whelming me.

The numbness I felt when he left.

The stinging pain I suffered from waking up and living and breathing without him.

The horror it was to visit the meadow and realise that, sooner or later, I'd have to forget, whether I wanted to or not.

The overwhelming happiness I felt having someone with me again, despite my loss.

The disbelief I experienced when Jacob told me we could no longer be friends.

The overall abandonment I'd undergone from being alone.

NO.....

Silent tears trailed down my face as I pushed my truck to go faster.

-------

Half an hour later I decided to pull over to the side of the road, I needed a break.

I could, despite the pain I still had to live through, court my life as a lucky one. After all, I had the basic necessities you needed and then some, it was only my emotional state that was unlucky.

But there was one problem.

Without even realising it I had created two Bella's, two very distinct, very different people that constantly fought for dominance within me.

Good Bella and Bad Bella.

Patient Bella and Angry Bella.

I was slowly becoming both, with no variations.

Without warning Angry Bella was seething with anger. What gave him the right to manipulate me this way? I was god knows how many miles away and he was still making my decisions for me. I would never peg Edward for being possessive but it seemed I was wrong. Didn't he understand I wasn't his to take care of anymore; I wasn't his to belong to anymore.

_Be safe._

Ahhhhh, I needed to breathe, and I couldn't do that on the side of the road, I needed to be rid of Forks, far away so I could think.

-----

How could he?

I was pacing back and forth in the small, cramped, and dingy motel room I'd rented for myself. It wasn't very expensive, but I knew it had made an impressive dent in my already shallow college fund.

I wasn't sure which Bella was asking the question, but both wanted the answer.

How could he?

He'd promised, and however badly I'd broken my own I was sure he didn't know of my betrayal.

Betrayal.

Funny, I was the one who had felt betrayed.

And yet, when the situation called for review, we were both at fault.

There was knock at the door. I walked over to it and unlocked the flimsy lock attached, supposedly to provide security.

"Hello miss, thank you very much for staying at Motel 6, here is your ice bucket." I stared a little too long at the short balding Chinese man that was holding what looked like a brown garbage than rather than an ice bucket.

"Um, thanks."

"No problem, thank you for staying at Motel 6!"

It took awhile before I could close the door, as I was still staring at his retreating form in bewilderment.

I closed the door and with a soft click, I was alone.

I was so confused, the mix of toxic emotions brewing inside me left me angry, sad, hurt, betrayed, and, however much I wanted to deny it, bitter. Why was Irina the one who was looking after me, why, of all people was it her. The only other person who would have made it worse was Tanya. Though the fact that none of the Cullen's had even bothered made it worse.

I took a deep breath and sat up; I was not going to mope here all evening. I was going to go out, somewhere, fun.

I had no clue which Bella made that decision.

------

'"_Don't worry...time heals all wounds for your kind."'_

Sure it does.

I got up from my place at the end of the bar and slowly made my way up to the handsome stranger who had been looking at me all night; I used the bar to steady me. He turned around when he noticed my presence and gave me an appreciative smile.

"Hey there, can I buy you a drink?"

I smiled back encouragingly.

"Sure."

He seemed a little distracted and I noticed it was because he was staring at my lips. He seemed to think he was about to get lucky.

We'll see.

I slid in to the seat beside him and all too soon the bartender slid me my drink.

Who knew a little makeup and nice clothes who avoid you getting carded?

Angry Bella did.

I didn't pause before I let the amber liquid slide into my mouth and down my throat. I winced at the sting and slight burn alcohol brought, but I disregarded it, and took another sip.

It was awhile before I noticed lawyer boy staring at me. I raised my eyebrows in question.

"You didn't even ask me what I got you."

I smiled a little, "I didn't care."

This encouraged our smile oriented conversation, "hell, I knew that from the moment I saw you downing shots in the corner."

I cocked my head to the side, lawyer boy was far too observant. I leaned over the side of the bar to get the bartender's attention.

"Oi, Vodka." I was far too drunk for my own good.

Lawyer boy looked at me a little seriously; like it only just occurred to him I was more than a little wasted. Why was I calling him lawyer boy?

"Maybe you shoul-"

"Maybe you should finish your drink." I finished for him, sliding the freshly poured glass his way.

He took one look at me and downed the drink in the blink of an eye. Good, he was learning.

We continued to a little while until I could not remember what I was currently doing. The room was hazy and I didn't remember lawyer boy leaving.

"Heiiii, do ya wannna get otta ear?" Someone slurred.

I looked over to see none other than lawyer boy, "HEY! You stay-ed. Yor so s'eet." I pinched his cheeks.

The rest was a blur of running and laughing, but I knew for sure of one thing.

Right now no one existed but lawyer boy and I, and his heart beneath my hands was the only one I was considering looking after.

Good Bella and Bad Bella be damned.

* * *

A/n Oh no she didn't! Well, I guess you'll have to wait and see if she did in fact 'take care of business'

I should never write love stories.

If I could get the same reaction for this chapter that would be great.


	15. Promises broken

A/N I was hoping it came across and apparently it did. Bella is _not _in her right state of mind right now. She is 'craz-ey'.

Warning, my first time writing a lemon. Like all things it takes practice, so if you don't like then, sorry.

There's a new poll on my profile, GO VOTE!

* * *

_The rest was a blur of running and laughing, but I knew for sure of one thing._

_Right now no one existed but _Lawyer Boy_ and I, and his heart beneath my hands was the only one I was considering looking after._

_Good Bella and Bad Bella be damned._

* * *

_**As if I never existed...**_

Chapter 13- Promises broken

"I think we need a key."

"Your right," Lawyer Boy pulled out a chain of keys from his back pocket and attempted to fit them in the slot.

"They don't fit," he whispered, highly disappointed.

"Maybe it's the wrong one?" I whispered back.

"No, no, here," he kicked the door and with a slight wine, it flew open.

"See," he said as he grinned at me in the dark, trying unsuccessfully to pull me under his charm.

"I see," I answered back to him; I would let him think that he was the one who kept me here.

Although we had sobered some in the time we had spent away from the bar we were still both slightly drunk and he staggered slightly as he led me into his apartment.

"This is my fridge, my TV and my god, foosball. And this, this is my girlfriend." I looked up rather quickly, impaired slightly by the alcohol.

Lawyer Boy, whose name I learned was Rex -at least I think it was Rex- was laying back comfortably in a dark reclining Lazyboy, complete with beer cooler and built in stereo surround sound.

"Girlfriend?" I asked instantly wary, my inhibitions may have been marred but I knew that having a leather girlfriend was not at all healthy.

"Yeah," he answered seemingly distracted by something.

"But you're much prettier that Rosita." I shivered as his closeness, but did not move away. This is what I wanted, someone normal, someone _human. _Someone who wouldn't break my heart.

He moved and I felt the ghost of his lips at the juncture between my neck and my shoulder and braced myself for what was to come next.

Intimacy, without the restrictions of love.

Life.

I am living without you; trying to.

I felt his lips become more urgent and he began leaving a moist trail across my exposed shoulders.

The feeling was foreign but yet somewhat familiar. He was attesting his expertise and showing me intimacy, though at this angle it was a thin line away from lust.

He moved behind me, so that his lips were now attached to neck. The slow nipping became more urgent and soon became a frenzied quest for relief. Relief did not come, and with each movement I slipped farther and farther into my state of arousal. He moved up from my neck to my ear and began sucking on that too, I let a small moan escape my lips at his teeth grazed over my lobe. The moment was no longer sensual or meaningful in any way, but was being led by a fierce and determined lust that drove and consumed the both of us.

Before I could even comprehend what was happening, Lawyer Boy spun me around to face him. His green eyes gazed into mine and I wondered, if Edward were still human, would his eyes resemble Rex's?

I was interrupted when Lawyer Boy picked me up without a word and began moving me to what I assumed was the bedroom.

I didn't even have time to react as I was dropped on the large bed. I bounced unnecessarily up and down a few times before Lawyer Boy moved over me. He began covering me with quick kisses, far too chaste to be intimate and far too quick to be at all motivating. But that didn't matter because there were two things that I didn't have to ask of Rex, two things that as long as I didn't have I would be alright; love and trust. The lack of those two things would get me though it.

My sweater was already on the floor, and Lawyer Boy began easing the straps of my tank top off of my shoulders.

All too soon I was topless, as my tank had been lifted up and over my head as Lawyer Boy found purchase on my breasts.

I was silently regretting not wearing a bra.

Lawyer Boy began a religious assault on my breasts and began massaging them with his hands. Supposedly that's what he was he was doing, the rough jerky movements made me too uncomfortable to be pleasurable.

I tried moving his hands to direct him somewhere other than my breasts but that only got his mouth to continue the assault. I couldn't deny the feeling and was soon swept up into a plethora of pleasure. He bit down gently and I could help the small moans that escaped my lips. His movements grew faster now, and his tongue moved in sync with the waves of arousal that washed over me. My nipples were now rock hard and aching.

He moved lower and my head fell back against the pillows as he tugged my pants off.

This was it, my reasoning coming into effect.

I was trying to live, live a life that wasn't coupled to my old one.

He moved my lace panties past my ankles along with my jeans and suddenly I was aware that I was very naked. He then moved back up my body and began to kiss me again. This time I didn't bother over thinking anything, I simply submitted to the kiss. I let my hands roam over his shoulders and around his neck, he was still fully dressed and I began to ease my hands towards the buttons of his dress shirt.

I slipped it off his shoulders and he hastily worked open his belt to get to his pants.

His scent burned into my nostrils and I moved my face into his neck. The overly pungent bar smell permeated his skin and but I disregarded it as I wove my hands into his slightly curly brown locks. I shifted my hips so that he could fit between them and made way for his hot lips on my skin that burned a fiery path down my torso.

I didn't receive any warning before he pushed himself into me. All I knew where three things. It was swift. It was quick. And it hurt like HELL.

I stopped myself from crying out but only succeeded in a loud whimper instead. Lawyer Boy raised his head and looked at me questioningly. It took about three seconds before realisation shone in his eyes.

"Oh shit, I'm so sorry. I just though you wern-"

I interrupted his words and covered my mouth with his. If he continued what he had planned to say then I'm sure it would have come out as an insult.

The kiss seemed to distract him a bit and after some coaxing I got him to begin moving with me.

His lips moved to my jaw and rest his head there at the juncture between my neck. His heavy breathing was ragged in my ear and i had to focus on something pleasant to drown it out. Despite my drunkenness I couldn't help imagining a cold pair of hands on my hips rather than these clammy hot ones.

Our movements became more spontaneous and my breathing grew more uneven, soon I was panting as we moved together in our own little symphony. I felt an unfamiliar overwhelming sensation going on in my nether regions. It grew more and more until I couldn't bare it and cried out.

I tightened my grip and held on for dear life.

When the remnants of my orgasm were over I simply relaxed, Lawyer Boy was still moving and I felt him tense and release shortly after I did.

I needed someone, someone who wouldn't run away.

And I hadn't found him.

I left my mind to that though as I drifted off to sleep.

------

I woke up in a mess of sheets and pillows. I twisted until I righted myself and opened my eyes.

They went wide as last night came rushing back to me. I sat up slowly, the pounding in my head was enough to incapacitate me and looked around the room. After only a few seconds I came to the absolute conclusion that this was _not _my room, or Jake's _or_ a hotel's.

I had just had a one night stand.

Almost magnetically my eyes were drawn to the open condom wrapper that lay on the bedside table.

_Oh my god!_

I needed to get up, I needed to leave I thought to myself and began the complicated shuffle out of the tangle of sheets. I rested my feet on the cool wood paneled floor and sighed.

I needed clothes.

I caught my breath and stood up, pulling the tangled white sheet with me and hoping that I didn't wake anyone in the process.

I didn't allow myself a peek at the man I had just slept with in bed, I had just had a very emotionally damaging experience and I didn't want to tempt fate and trigger something.

There's no one to hug, truly there wasn't.

I couldn't believe what I'd done, was I messed up so badly that needed to have a one night stand? OH MY GOD, I just had a one night stand. Realisation was starting to set in and I began to panic, I had no idea who was in the bed behind me but they were now my one and only. God, what the hell was wrong with me? If Edward kne-

Right, that was what had fuelled me last night.

Bad Bella had taken 'happiness' into her own hands. Little did she know that she had just left good Bella open to even more heartache.

I would never forgive myself for being so stupid, I was always the act now, ask questions later type of girl and now it was coming back to bite me.

I located all of my clothes and dressed at record speed. After I flipped and patted my hair in attempt to calm it I booked it out of the apartment, I didn't want to wait for any other sounds and risk waking anyone up.

In the hallway I all but ran to the elevator and punched the L button down furiously.

I didn't allow myself to think and my mind played relentlessly over the trivial stuff until I made it outside.

I walked, almost in a daze down the street, words that had touched so close to home floating through my mind.

"_Stop running away!"_

I wouldn't be feeling anything of the sort anymore.

"Well hello there."

I whipped around at the familiar cool voice. It was burned into my brain from the terror I felt the last time I heard it.

Laurent smiled and stepped out of the shady side of the street; he stepped across the road and walked up to me.

My feet were rooted to the ground.

After all that's happened was this how I was going to die?

* * *

A/N Yeah, I watch Friends. I believe that if it came down to it I could win _Who wants to be a millionaire?_ on Friends based questions.

Ah there are actually two versions of this chapter, the first one I wrote was not a lemon, but far worse and I know you would all hate me after what I had happen to Bella. So I tried again and wrote this. I KNOW you are happier now than with the possible alternative and I believe this version helps the story flow better.

**So it seems only if I make you a deal to update soon do you review. Well, I'm gonna keep lowering the number. 10 Reviews for this chapter and I'll update tomorrow (Sat). Yeah -I just did it. What-cha gonna do? REVIEW?**


	16. Fight or flight?

A/N I didn't really have anything to say for this A/N so this is just a comment.

For all you writers out there, has this ever happened to you?

When you're reading something, say it's this book that you're really into, and then you go to write, does the author's writing style ever transpire into your own?

For me it does, I have to make sure I leave about two days between the time I finish a book and I start typing again.

It's really a pain in the butt, when I go back to edit my chapters, I see that's I've unconsciously changed tenses or have changed the character's personality.

If you want an example, after I read _Just Ask Alice_ I wrote the preface for Corrupted and well you can see how that turned out. And then I just finished _The Coldest Winter Ever_ and re-read what I wrote and had to erase and re-type a whole bunch of things.

I just wanted to know if I'm the only one out there whose mind is a sponge, but, back to the story.

*And for all intents and purposes Bella awoke just before dawn, so its still dark out.*

* * *

_"Well hello there."_

_I whipped around at the familiar cool voice. It was burned into my brain from the terror I felt the last time I heard it._

_Laurent smiled and stepped out of the shady side of the street; he stepped across the road and walked up to me. _

_My feet were rooted to the ground._

_After all that's happened was this how I was going to die?_

* * *

_**As if I never existed...**_

Chapter 14-Fight or flight?

I could feel my body trying to flee, but my mind was stuck.

Laurent noticed easily and smiled a smile that did anything but placate me.

"Not to worry, I am not hunting you tonight." I kept myself on guard, he did nothing but put me on edge.

"My dearest would not allow me to hunt on the Cullen's grounds, and I must say her diet is something that I cannot become accustomed to."

I was vaguely aware he was talking about Irina.

"I am quite surprised to see you here; after all I have heard the news of _your _beloved -my apologies- and I'm startled to see you so, _recovered."_

I held back a sneer in realising he was talking about my appearance, and most likely, my smell.

I had another lingering on my skin.

I didn't move, and the dull street sound vibrated in my ears as we stared at each other. "What are you doing here?" I asked while shifting my weight further away, in an attempt to flee if necessary, something told me that this was no a friendly visit.

He smiled shyly, and looked down at the polluted side walk before answering.

"Women come out more during the night than they do the day here; I am taking advantage of that."

I stared at him blankly, silently processing what he'd just told me as my internal fear rose exponentially.

"Irina gave me strict instructions to hunt outside of Forks," he said absentmindedly.

The cool Seattle night swept past me as I stood there waiting for a queue to get the hell outta' here. A small presence in my mind vowed that this would not be the case, and I had a distinct fear that I would be doing no escaping tonight.

Laurent looked up into the slow rising sun but I kept my eyes trained on the shaded outline of his figure, he was a creature of incredible strength and speed, strength I did not possess.

"I assume you know of Victoria and, of course her lover James. Shame really," he murmured to himself, "Vitoria would never have forgotten what happened to James and became angry beyond reason. I'm afraid that before she died she swore her revenge on you."

He smiled gravely to himself and I felt the chill of the morning air creep up my arms and leave only goose-flesh in its wake.

"Before your Beloved destroyed her she had asked a favour of me."

Things we heading in a direction I was not prepared for, and I needed to help steer clear of this possible landmine. "She betrayed the boundary rules didn't she?" I asked in a half assed attempt to refocus his attention on the fact that Victoria was someone not to be trusted.

"Y-e-s," he answered. No doubt wondering where I was going with this.

"And breaking the rules is forbidden is it not?" Again with the bullshitting, all I needed was for him to take the bait and help change subjects.

"Yes," he said again, a half-way question.

"Well then, any promises you swore to keep should not be honoured, its criminal." I could not even believe the words coming out of my mouth, but something told me to keep going, keep pushing. "If someone lied to you wouldn't you want them to pay for it?" I needed a way to escape, but where was a florescent exit sign when you needed one?

He smiled, and it made my skin crawl, "It depends on the lie."

I scrambled to retaliate while trying to keep my calm. The look he was giving me was anything but comforting, in fact it was a look usually seen on the Discovery channel before a lion devours its prey.

"She asked me a simple favour; take care of her rivals...and their lovers."

My breath caught in my throat and I trembled slightly at the meaning in his words. As I struggled to breathe in the air that my body so craved I realised with sickening despair that he was going to avenge her, wasn't he?

"Normally I wouldn't keep my word on such a promise, but you've seemed to land right in my lap, so to speak. Now I couldn't pass up what could be described as fate up could I?"

Yes, yes you could, because fate wasn't this, it couldn't be. Fate couldn't deliver me to the devil's plate for dinner when I'd had such a crappy pre-course meal. I wasn't ready yet. I still wanted to live. Sure there were things that I wished to have never done, my experience with Rex for example.

Ah, _Experience._

I'd demoted it even that far, it was no longer an act I'd committed but something I would erase from my memory and pretend had never happened.

I was going to block it out.

But I couldn't, I realised. I couldn't block it out because it wasn't a moment of hesitation or some grand mistake that I could just forget about. It was my virginity, something I'd been taught to give away with care, and only to someone special whom I cared for dearly. _Even if that someone didn't want me._

And what had I done, I'd thrown it away the first chance I got, all because of _him._

Even though I craved for someone to fault, I couldn't blame him because he was not the cause here (theoretically), I was. It had been my fault and my fault alone that I'd done what I'd done. A stupid irresponsible move on my part, but a necessary step to moving on.

I was through with was no where to run, no where to hide, for once I had to own up to my situation. I needed to face life head on without numbing myself in the process.

I needed to _feel _this.

Even if _this _was my death.

"When you are so close, how can I deny her dying wish? I'm sorry Bella, truly I am."

No, there was no escaping now, my last moments on earth would be spent at the hands of Laurent, and my life would slip away as he drained what little my heart had left.

I didn't answer, but closed my eyes in preparation for what was to come. I could allow myself one last wish, and I pictured the one I had neglected for so long.

_Edward._

I saw him now like I'd never allowed myself to picture him before, it had been a while since my last nightmare but even they did not do him justice.

He was breathtaking, simply the answer to all of my unasked questions. With him behind my lids I had nothing to fear, and I immediately forgot about Laurent, compared to Edward he meant nothing.

I wished to touch him, reach out and grasp his face between my hands and pretend that some inkling of his being would accept me. Me, the fragile human. Seeing him again did in fact cause me as much pain as I had anticipated, but it didn't matter, because for this one moment, he was with me, and he couldn't leave me. My imagination moved him closer and it wasn't long before I could hold him in my arms. It had been so long since I had performed this act that I committed it to memory my already failing memory.

I remembered now, his lips on mine was pure bliss, executed and preformed. Kissing...Edward, was one of the best things that I'd ever experienced, it was almost magical when his lips would mould to mine, I could _feel _the love he had for me in every kiss, every touch.

It couldn't have been a lie.

I opened my eyes no longer afraid because I wasn't alone. Edward was with me.

"Bella run!"

My eyes snapped into focus but I didn't take the time to observe my surroundings, a large wolf-like bear had come out of no where and launched itself at Laurent.

I stood there for a second watching the colossal right before I bolted, pushing my legs beyond what they were capable of in this cold weather. I didn't falter, and kept moving, down the sidewalk across the alleyway, and into the darkness; into safety. I stopped when I felt that I was far enough away, and lowered myself to the floor. My rapid breathing was causing my chest to heave with effort and I had to close my eyes so that I did not become dizzy. What had saved me? It seemed to be some type of bear, but what kind of animal separated friend from foe so clearly?

I guess I would never find out.

I ambled away quickly and quietly through the streets and although I had a vague outlook as to where I was going, it only took me a little while to find out where I was in the dark. Soon, the brilliant sun had finally risen and the dark foreboding street was no longer dim and and shady, but innocent and quiet. The only remaining this was the gloomy outlook on my already nightmarish situation. As I walked all I wanted was some sleep and some quiet.

------

It had taken sometime, but I managed to get back to my hotel. I didn't waste any time and began to pack my stuff. I had no idea what had happened to Laurent or the large bear that apparently had talking powers, but I didn't dwell on it. I had come here to think, to be free of the boundaries I felt weighing me down, and in one night, I'd been set free.

My mind was completely at ease over the fact that for the past six months he'd been checking on me.

The entire time.

The only thing I wanted was to get home, or more probably Jacob's house and get on with my life. I would once again try to forget.

I checked out and got into my truck. I realised with a strange fear that Charlie must be scared shitless by now. I'd forgotten to call him, and as I merged onto the highway I fished through all of the possible excuses. The truth would definitely not go over well; I knew he'd have a heart attack if he knew what I'd been up to but I needed something plausible, something true.

I faced the sun for the first time that day, and dared to hope.

------

"Bella what the hell happened?"

"Are you hurt?"

"Where have you been?"

I was immediately bombarded with questions as soon as I snuck quietly in the door of Jacob's house. I figured since I'd been staying there then there was no where else to go.

"Are you hurt?" He asked again.

Are you hurt? That phase that held so many meanings was being asked of me once more.

I didn't respond, but bowed my head and allow the silence to overcome us.

Jacob sighed and tried to look me in the eye.

"Bella, we need to talk."

* * *

Ooo suspense.

Alright I'll try to get the last couple of chapters up in a couple of days but the more reviews I get the faster I'm inspired to update *hint hint*


	17. The Fear Part I

A/N There is a song with the same title by Lily Allen, and although it has a different meaning I think it does apply to what Bella is feeling. I've fallen in love with it.

I'm splitting this chapter in two so that it isn't too long.

Happy St. Patrick's day ladies and gens. I'm 1/4 Irish so I feel the need to say top of the morning laddy -lol

I sincerely hope that didn't offend anyone

* * *

_Jacob sighed and tied to look me in the eye._

"_Bella, we need to talk."_

* * *

_**As if I never existed...**_

Chapter 15- The Fear Part I

'_Bella we need to talk'_

'Bella?'

My brain froze in anxiety and a million reasons for Jake's confrontation ran through my head. Why did he sound so dejected when he uttered those words?

For the first time I allowed myself to process what I'd been told without allowing angry Bella to comment. I detached her from my brain so she had no control over my sensory functions. I would allow patient Bella control over whether I blushed stumbled or ran once more. I ran the words by patient Bella and allowed her to respond, no matter what I would not over react or freak out, I knew better than that now.

"Talk?"

I knew he was probably angry that I'd left with absolutely no explanation , and that I knew it would take some time to repair the damage I'd done when I chose flight, but, what was this really about?

A grave expression darkened his features and he looked down at me from great height.

"Bella," he sighed, "explain."

Confusion swept across my brows and I stared at him blankly, I had no idea what he meant.

"Explain what?"

He looked me fixedly in the eye and my heart plummeted, he knew something.

"Bella, what did you think you were doing?" He asked kindly, I knew Jacob well enough to notice the slight twinge of pain behind his words but I disregarded it and hoped that feigned ignorance would get me through this.

"What do you mean?"

I didn't want to involve Jacob in my problems anymore than he was already. He was a smart kid and he had his whole life ahead of him to learn what mistakes to and to not make. I was one he should even have to deal with yet.

He looked at me dryly and answered, "In Seattle, what were you doing in Seattle."

I felt the blood drain from my face and tried quickly to come up with an explanation.

"I just needed some time Jacob. I just needed to be away from it all." A small half-truth; I wasn't so much as walking away as I was running, running as far as I could get form Edward.

"Bella," he looked at me pointedly and I found it hard to deny his the truth, but then he looked up at me and his eyes held a slight edge of fear, "I know."

There were maybe fifty possible implications to the words 'I know' and I couldn't honestly say which scared me more. "What do you know?" I prayed to any of the gods that would listen that my dirty little secret wasn't about to be revealed.

"I followed you," he confessed," I followed you across the line and to _their _house. When I got there I saw you running out. You looked so upset and I didn't want you to be driving but I knew if you saw me it would make it worse so I followed to make sure you drove safely. But then you never stopped." He looked down into my eyes and allowed me to see all of the pain brought forth from that moment, " I kept hoping you'd turn around and stop but you kept driving. I have no idea where what that leech had told you but I figured it must be bad, it must be..."

A different type of fear crept into his eyes and I fought to keep my now common anger under control. Angry Bella wanted to rage and scream at Jacob for following me, but I knew he'd only done it because he cared.

"I didn't know your state of mind when you finally did stop, so I didn't confront you but, I knew you were hurting." He took hold of my small shoulders in his large hands and drew me to him. "I asked you to promise Bella, _you_ promised me."

I couldn't bear to look anywhere near him face so I settled for the floor instead. The guilt I felt for everything I'd done in the past 24 hours was overwhelming me. I had lied, cheated, sworn and coerced, I deserved to go to hell for all of my misconceptions but I dreaded how long that would take.

Tears that had threatened to fall as he told me what happened fell at an increasing pace. I felt horrible, disgusting even that I'd made him feel this way. It was all my fault and there was nothing I could fathom at this moment that could fix it. I might blame Angry Bella for her grand moments of selfishness but the truth was, it was just as much patient Bella's fault. And no one else's.

"I'm so sorry Jacob." _So sorry._

He didn't say a word, he just held me close. I noticed the immediate and overwhelming heat that emanated from Jacob's body. It coursed through my thin t-shirt and heated me up instantly.

The tears began to fall more rapidly now, and with them the anguish and resentment I felt for myself for causing Jacob so much pain. All the hurt, betrayal and lies were now forming into coherent structures, but I'd had enough of hording my feelings and never letting them out, so I let it all go. I let go of everything, and with it my tears continued to trail down my cheeks and onto Jacob's shirt.

I don't know how much time had passed with me standing there and Jake holding me as I drenched his shirt in salt water but sometime later I stopped and allowed myself the peace that my release brought.

Jacob was still rubbing soothing circles into my back and I became more thankful than ever that I had him here to do this for me. He was here, despite all that I had done to him, and he was here for me.

"Bella?"

"_Bella?"_

"Hmmm?" I answered, trying to gain control over my voice after what seemed like hours of crying.

"You don't have to tell me what happened, but, just know that I'm here if you do."

That brought another wave of emotions my way, what did I do to deserve someone so caring?

"Gosh, Jake I don't deserve you."

He hugged me closer to him and shushed me.

"Bella, I told you to promise because I wanted to help you when you needed it. I know you're not over it and I understand that but, I wanted to help you. Just let me be there for you."

I lifted my head to look into his eyes, "Thank you," I said simply and beamed at him.

He smiled back, "no problem."

"Jake?" I asked now concerned about something I had had time to worry about, "You didn't tell Charlie I ran away did you?"

He smiled a forced smile and my heart plummeted, "No, no, relax. I covered for you and told him that you and I went to Seattle for the day, really it wasn't a lie."

I smiled a little and relaxed back into his chest. The morning afternoon was weighing on me and I realised that I had been standing for way too long. I collapsed into the couch and looked at Jake seriously, "Jake, its not that I don't want to tell you, and it doesn't matter anyway because you know I'm just not ready yet. But..."

He nodded his head and pulled me into his lap. "I understand Bells, its just, your not the only one keeping secrets."

My brows furrowed with curiosity of what Jake could possibly be keeping from me.

"There's something that I haven't been honest with you about," he sighed and began absentmindedly twirling a piece of my hair between his large hands.

"_I want to explain –but I can't explain."_ He looked dejectedly at the floor as he seemed to struggle with the words.

I twisted my head to the side in an effort to hold it up. "I don't understand."

"_This is so frustrating,_" he grumbled as he tried fruitlessly to speak the words that could not come.

I looked at him in confusion and he stared back with equal urgency.

"_Ahh, you already know. I already told you everything_!"

"Jake, I have no idea what you're talking about."

"Bella remember the first time we met, at the bonfire in LaPush?"

I nodded my head absentmindedly while trying to remember back to that day.

"Do you remember the legends, the Quileute ones?"

I racked my brain trying to recall back to the conversation we had nearly a year ago, "Yeah, what about them?"

He twirled the loose strands around his finger in what seemed like a loop; up, over, repeat. "Jacob?" Up. Over. Repeat.

"_Jake!" _

Finally he looked up at me. "Do you remember all of the stories, Bella?"

I remembered the tales of the cold ones and the ancient Quileutes and their supposed linkage to wolves...

He seemed to be watching me for some sort of reaction, but all I could muster was shock, "Werewolf." I gasped.

"Did you..."

"Yes that was me in Seattle, I hope I didn't freak you out."

I sputtered and my mouth opened and closed several times.

I had thought that when Jacob had told me he was supposed to be a werewolf he was joking, of course I had interpreted it as such, but when I had discovered Edward to be not at all human I became consumed by that and didn't give much thought to the rest of the legend. Jest fully, I would tease him about it, but I know understood his uncomfortable nature to be the truth that was thrust in his face repeatedly. Jacob had been uncomfortable for a completely different reason.

"Werewolf?"

He sighed and looked me in the eye, "With everything going on, Sam forbade me to tell you some things. He's the alpha and so I had to obey but, I did want to tell you."

I looked into my lap and pondered the truck load of information I had just received.

"Bella, it's all very confusing. It wasn't just Sam that kept me from telling you, it was the blonde leech as well."

I looked and him confusedly and asked him to continue.

"I guess I should start from the beginning."

* * *

A/n You know what to do.


	18. The Fear Part II

A/N Since i'm not a morning person this is a one time occurance -Morning update- but my day is busy and I didn't want to leave you guys with nothin'.

I hope I don't need to remind you that my poll is still up for the Twilight/Covenant crossover. Anyone who is a fan of the sons of Ipswich better sca-dattle over there quick to vote.

* * *

_I looked and him confusedly and asked him to continue._

_"I guess I should start from the beginning."_

* * *

_**As if I never existed...**_

'_**Its all about trust'**_

Chapter 15- The Fear Part II

"Ok, start talking."

He smiled a little and returned to twirling my hair around his finger. "Not too long after I saw you in the woods I began changing, but I knew you needed me and I couldn't stay away..."

"So when you disappeared for two weeks..."

"That was when it happened. Sam forbade me to tell you, and I honestly don't think you could have handled it then so I listened. But there are so many things that I've wanted to tell you."

"Like what?" I probed; I wasn't used to Jake and his secrets.

"The boundaries, I know Billy told you about the one that separates Forks from LaPush but there are more than-"

"I know."

"You do?" He asked incredulously.

"Irina told me when I visited the house."

His mouth turned into a thin line and I knew he was trying not to show his distaste over me being with a vampire.

"Well, I think you should know why I didn't tell you. When you told me you had a break in at your house I thought it was nothing, but then there was that note," I remembered vaguely the three letter ultimatum left taped to my door that fateful day. "I knew it wasn't a coincidence and the blond leech had been edging the boundary lines of LaPush quite frequently. Sam finally figured out it was only when you were in LaPush. When you dad was wondering who you could stay with I suggested you come stay with us so that the pack could protect you-"

"You suggested?"

He looked at me meekly and nodded, "Bella, I wasn't going to risk anything happening to you especially after last year."

How could I forget? You have one sadistic vampire after you and your freedom is locked away forever.

"Anyway, after I heard what the note said I knew it was from _her._ I went over there and asked her what the hell her problem was."

"But I thought you couldn't cross the lines."

"_They _can't cross each other's lines, the pack stayed on their side because of the treaty. You know about the treaty don't you?"

"Pretty much."

He nodded his head and continued talking. "When I got there she didn't even deny it. She's the one who trashed your house Bella, all in the attempt to deliver that message. Disgusting. Well I'm guessing you already know about the whole staking claim on citizen's thing."

"If that was your attempt to explain the complex nature of the vampire 'town council' and their residents then yes, she explained it."

"Then you know I had to listen. I'm really sorry Bella."

I smiled up into his face just so he knew that it was ok, "She's alright, and she is a friend of the Cullen's."

Despite my assurance Jacob grimaced and I realised that those words did not mean the same to me as they did him.

"Yes, well I wanted to explain it all to you but she told me to 'stay the hell away from you' and I knew that if I attacked her it would mean a war, and I couldn't risk that, not unless you were in danger. Well, any _more _danger."

I smirked at Jacob's words but he was very obviously distraught. I knew that there were only a few things that I could tell him to make it better. "Jake? Jake, it's ok, I'm fine see? She only wants to keep an eye out for me. I'll go back there and make some kind of deal, if you want." I looked down as I remembered the words that were still fresh in my memory.

_We can't be friends anymore...._

Jacob picked up on my sour mood and shifted towards me. I felt a finger underneath my chin, "hey, what's wrong?"

I had confessed way too much to Jacob, and he had taken on too much. This was where we found problems the last time, I didn't want to involve him and he wanted to be involved.

"Jake-"

"Listen Bella, I know that you have a hard time with trust now but," he looked me dead in the eye and spoke with major conviction, "trust me."

I found it hard to look away from the intensity that Jacob was giving off from his eyes alone but I knew I couldn't do as he asked. There was just too much that I had been through to _trust _anymore. What Edward had done had ruined that for me, and however harshly I tried to deny it, it wasn't his entire fault. Growing up with Renee, someone who was as spur of the moment and flaky as they came didn't help that either. I love my mom, but sometimes it was hard to believe some of the tings she said. Right before I was ten she had gotten me really excited that my birthday was coming up, she had told me to invite all of my friends, and she even made the invitations. But when time came for the actual party she said she had completely forgot and I had to send all of my friend's home because Renee had just met someone new. From that moment on I had come to despise my birthday, every year meant a week late birthday card from Renee and I year late birthday call from Charlie.

Yes, trust wasn't something that I came easy by, because when you gave trust there was always that fear of rejection, of denial. There was always that fear.

I smiled anyway and gave him a flash of the pearly whites.

That didn't fool him through because he immediately frowned and took told of my hands. "Bella, really, _you can trust me. _I don't want to hurt you." I looked away and nodded, hoping he didn't see the hint of tears that those words brought me.

"So am I still welcome or are you kicking me out?"

He smiled at me and took my hand. I breathed a sigh of relief as he held my hand and led me up to the spare bedroom on the landing.

I thanked him and headed immediately for the shower. I knew little of Jacob's abilities but I knew I had to get the stench of alcohol and _sex _off of me.

_Sex_

And there it was again. The constant reminder that I'd done something so incredibly stupid and I couldn't take it back. I didn't have anyone here to help me and there was no way that I could change it. I banged my head on the shower wall and hoped for some type of reassurance that I wasn't going to hell. It wasn't that I had slept with someone; it was that with all of the sins that I had committed it was _who _I'd slept with. There would be no remedial after this, to betray him in the form of a promise was one thing, but to lie and say that there would never be anyone else was another. Because now there _was_ someone else, and the bottom line, it wasn't Edward.

He was watching over me, it may be pity, but a small part of him still cared for whatever reason.

Did I still care?

That was a loaded question.

Of course I still cared, there were too many things about him that I could not erase, too many things that I just couldn't live without and now in one moment of weakness I'd gone and thrown away something that was his.

I shut off the water and let the water run off of my body and down the drain. _Would this ever end?_

I towelled off and dressed in a casual pair of jeans and a t-shirt. I didn't bother drying my hair because I knew it would do that itself perfectly.

I made my way down the steep steps and into the kitchen to get something to eat. Many of the knots I had in my back had loosened up after my shower and I was now fully awake and refreshed. I looked at the clock and was surprised that it was almost five.

"Its okay, everything is going to be alright..."

"No its not, how can you say that?"

The voices were coming from the hallway and were carrying with the distance. I didn't want to intrude but it was difficult with what I was hearing.

"Jake I just can't do it. I can't go..."

"Babe you have to, he's your dad."

"I know that." The female voice replied angrily.

"I'm sorry I –"

"I know you are."

There was a long silence and I decided to make my way back up to my room. I passed the hall where the voices came from and was shocked with what I found.

Jacob, my Jake, was kissing a pretty raven haired girl about my age.

And I gave in to the fear.

* * *

A/N Any guesses on who the raven haired girl is?

One chapter left.

How's it gonna end?

**Now im expecting all of you to review, because i could very well take my time with the last chapter. -yes i know im evil, it beats my day job.**


	19. Slipped Away

A/N A gold star for those of you who figured it out. And for those who didn't, it will soon be revealed.

There is also a song by Avril Lavigne (CANADIAN!) which had always reminded me of Twilight especially New Moon. It has the same title (on my profile).

* * *

There_ was a long silence and I decided to make my way back up to my room. I passed the hall where the voices came from and was shocked with what I found._

_Jacob, my Jake, was kissing a pretty raven haired girl about my age._

_And I gave in to the fear._

* * *

_**As if I never existed...**_

**'All is fair in love and war'**

Chapter 16- Slipped away

I stood there frozen for only a moment before I dashed up the stairs and into my room. I closed the door and backed away from it like it was exhuming a contagious form of disease.

He had lied. But it was more than that, despite the fact that he had lied to me it was _I _who stood here now feeling betrayed because I had believed him.

We had sat together on his old couch, the same one where I allowed him to hold me as I cried relentlessly into his shoulder, and asked me to trust him.

_Trust._

It was something that on a regular occasion I had a problem with, but here now I was berating myself because a small part of me _had _come to trust him.

And it fucking backfired, angry Bella seethed. Sometime during my internal monologue she had made her reappearance. I tried effortlessly to shove her back in her cage so she no longer had control over me but she shrugged me off and threw away the key.

She didn't hold back her insults and expletives towards Jacob. In fact the more she had to complain about the angrier she grew, until not even patient Bella had the reigns to my conscious.

_Trust me _

Like hell I will.

I could get over the lie, just as I could get over everything else, but my previous reasoning drifted in and out of my head like a mantra, effortlessly keeping my chagrined mood in place. Jacob had a life, and I now had proof of that. It was thrown right there in my face, he loved another, someone who wasn't me and would never be. I knew I didn't love Jake that way but the realization that the one that got away had been effectively replaced hurt me more than I thought it would.

He was supposed to be _my _sunshine, _my _light.

And now he was someone else's.

There was a small knock at the door and I looked up and asked who it was.

"It's me." The characteristic timbre replied.

I relaxed and tensed at the same time. While I had always felt comfortable in Jacob's presence, his company wasn't exactly what I needed right now.

I told him he could come in and grimaced at the floor when he did.

Just like always when Jake closed the door he seemed to pick up on my mood almost immediately.

"Bells, what's wrong?"

I sighed and continued looking at the floor, there was no way that I was admitting my true feelings.

Jacob sighed and looked down at the floor as well, after a pregnant pause he finally spoke.

"Harry Clearwater passed away last night."

I didn't know how to respond to that bout of new info so I simply apologized politely and continued my internal debacle.

Jacob looked at me for a long moment. What he was looking for I wasn't sure, but I sensed that he was measuring me in some way right then. I couldn't help the helpless voice within that screamed _you're not good enough_.

There was too many things happening for me to fully concentrate, Harry's passing had caused an inner turmoil in an already clustered and confused atmosphere, and I found it very difficult to concentrate.

"Bella I'm here, for whatever you need." Jacob said before getting up off of the edge of the bed and moving towards the door.

The last few moments of possible honesty were slipping away, and I needed to know before anything else happened.

"Jake?"

Jacob turned around and faced me, his back now to the door.

"Who was at the door this morning?"

To both my delight and horror he flushed a light shade of crimson and looked away.

My suspicions had been confirmed.

"Oh, uh that was just Leah; she's Harry's daughter and was having a hard time accepting things." I nodded my head while keeping my face patriotically blank.

"Are you two...friends?" I hedged.

He flushed further and muttered, "Something like that."

I knew there was something there, something I wouldn't necessarily be alright with, but something none the less.

"Really?" I said vaguely, effectively leaving doubt in the air.

Jacob was looking anywhere but at my face, I was slightly hurt until I saw sudden conviction shine in his eyes. He looked at me determinedly and spoke the words that made my world come crashing down.

"She's my imprint."

I stared at him expressionlessly and forced a smile. "That's great."

Jacob looked at me like he didn't believe my feeling to be sincere, and he was absolutely right. But I sucked it up and faked it. I faked it because above all else, I wanted Jake to be happy, and I knew that although he couldn't stay away from this girl, my opinion mattered to him.

So I smiled a truly fake breathless smile and congratulated him while inside the last remnants of my soul burned away.

As soon as he left I began searching.

I came up on empty when I searched the desks and my bags, but finally made out with some of the stationary taken from my room.

_I'm so sorry for your loss...and I'm happy that you've found someone who can return your love._

_-Bella_

I wasn't even sure who I was talking about, but I took out a separate piece of paper for Charlie's note.

_Dad, I realise that this is probably a horrible time to say this but, I can't do this anymore._

_I have tried so hard for the last few months only to realise that it isn't' working,_

_I don't want to be a disappointment anymore._

_Goodbye_

_-Bella_

When I finished the letters I folded them separately and began digging for my keys.

I had tried for so long to forget, tried to move on so that the memories of his affection were not lasted on me, but no more. The buried, unused emotions hauled their way to the surface and found a place in my unused heart.

_He's not here. And he's never coming back._

It was excruciating to try and move on when my past clung to my so tightly and so vigorously. I couldn't move, speak, or even fathom why this was all happening now, and not seven months ago.

Why was I breaking now?

The pain of the memories that forced themselves behind my lids hit me full force and stung with their ability to show me my true weakness.

I couldn't be here, I had to leave, now, sooner than later.

I escaped the house without any quandaries and jumped in my red pickup.

_Edward _

I relished in the pain now. I no longer cowered away from it, trying to attempt to find a comfortable numbness that would suffice. I was ready to finally accept my fate, finally own up to what I had been denying for so long.

Acceptance.

He _wasn't _coming back, and I would _never _see him again.

Deep heart wrenching sobs escaped my chest as I fought for control. Emotions I had tried for so long to hide came back full force and consumed me.

I fought the battle of controlling the steering wheel as I felt the twinge those emotions brought forth in their full capacity.

Anger.

Betrayal.

Hurt.

Sadness.

Hopelessness.

_Love._

They all came and swirled together to form one giant plangent emotion.

My kiss, the one I had hoped would solve everything, the one I had poured all of my trust into turned into a bitter resolution of fate. Jake was not the one for me, and although I already knew that, and although I had agreed that I could never feel something like that for him, that trust turned acidic in my now tarnished face.

I was damaged; broken beyond repair, and never to be fixed again.

Love, life, meaning, _over. _

Everything I ever cared about was lost, everything I ever idealised had disappeared with no hint of remorse, I couldn't _breathe _anymore. I had through that trip was a opportunity to put things in perspective, when all it was was a moment of distraction, a moment to divert and entertain me so that I wasn't focused on the pain.

It was never a hobby, it was an obligation.

I pulled up to the now familiar cliff side and got out of the truck.

Everything was now over, and I'm done, finished.

Finished of this life, finished of this existence.

I understood I wasn't some princess that got her happily ever after and her prince riding away in the sunset. I'd given up on _that _dream the moment I had to stare in the face of my beloved, and realise there was no hope.

I couldn't move on and I couldn't_ forget._

I had deluded myself to think it was possible, but, I was wrong.

I had been wrong about so many things. When he left I had died, not a part of me or the love I had once harboured, but _all _of me. I had been so wrong to think that I could rise once more and attempt to _live. _

What was left of me was the mere body of the Bella that was left in the forest.

I had lost the mannerisms, the personality, and the plain old _morals _of Bella.

I had been hiding, trying to change myself in an attempt to escape the pain and give life one more chance, when I was so wrong to.

To absolutely change myself, I would first have to have some of _me _left, and there was none.

I had been known to give, give to others before myself, and sacrifice _anything _for _their _happiness.

Not anymore.

I had given to a point that there wasn't any more. I could no longer give any of myself away because there was nothing left.

I couldn't give any more.

All of the importance and significance my life once had has now slipped away and I was left floating in the strange and ever turbulent world of misery.

Sorrow descended on me and as I walked up to the cliff edge I reasoned that the escape from the pain was the exit so many people took every day.

Maybe feeling nothing would get me somewhere.

Pain is just too hard to escape.

Death was so much easier to attain.

Neither a distraction nor a hobby was going to cut it. I had tried that route, and both lead to even more heartache.

Jacob was no longer my sun, but the moon in a starless night.

"_Promise me if you feel like that again you'll come to me."_

Only if I'm welcome, and apparently, I'm not.

The gorge had re-opened and was throbbing with unrequited pain for lost love.

My responsibilities held no more meaning that any other rules I'd broken. Charlie and Renee would understand. They would _survive. _Because I was beyond zombie mode, I was in post Armageddon mode and I wasn't seeing any way out of it.

Affection wasn't something I could handle anymore.

Trust wasn't something I could deal with anymore.

_It'll be as if I never existed..._

Yes, it is that way. And I could never exist without you...

So I stood up and made my way to the ledge. I could exist somewhere where the pain didn't exist. All I wanted now was my peace, the peace I had denied myself by remembering and _loving._

I stood back and closed my eyes in preparation for absolute _peace._

With no pain, no heartache, and no broken promises.

And I took the plunge.

* * *

A/N While writing this I've decided there will be an epilogue. It won't be necessarily long, but it will be there to give you some peace of mind.

REVIEW? Please. After the week im having i need a pick me up.


	20. The endthe beginning

A/N This is the end gents. Longer good-bye at the end.

Yeah, I said it wasn't going to be long and then this monster was born, now it is kinda long.

Hope you like...

* * *

_I stood back and closed my eyes in preparation for absolute peace._

_With no pain, no heartache and no broken promises._

_And I took the plunge._

* * *

_**As if I never existed...**_

'_**Death, that hath sucked the honey of thy breath, hath had no power yet upon thy beauty...'-Romeo and Juliet**_

Edward-The end/the beginning

_3 days ago_

I couldn't stand it anymore.

She was here, there, somewhere just beyond my reach, and I couldn't have her.

But why should I even be allowed that privilege?

If she _were_ here, then she'd likely spit in my deserving face.

Why should it matter that I loved her, why should it even matter that I cared?

What would I say to her _if _I had the chance to say what my heart screamed at me?

_I'm here and I love you. I've always loved you, and I will always love you. _

That would be a start, but most important would be that I apologise to her, and that I show her I meant it.

How does one put something so important into words?

_I cannot live without my life; I cannot live without my soul._

When i was done groveling I would definitely have to set her gullible little mind straight and deny the corrupt lie I had told her.

_I was thinking of you, seeing your face in my mind, every second that I was away. When I told you that I didn't want you, it was the very blackest kind of blasphemy. _

But how much would that really fix? Surely I would _never _gain the opportunity to be with the one I loved, surely this was justice rearing it ugly head.

_The odds are always stacked against us. Mistake after mistake._

What did that _mean? _Was it fate, like I had believed, or was it something different? Something more common?

Could this all be a giant mistake?

A small portion of my mind yelled the answer to me, but I disregarded it, it couldn't be. I had left Bella for her own safety. Without me around she was perfectly safe.

_You're wrong._

I pretended I hadn't been paying attention to anyone's mind but my own and ignored Alice's comment, I _knew _I had done right by Bella, I just had to have.

More than anything I wanted to, no _needed to _check on her. It had been long enough and I was fairly certain that I had given her enough time to move on.

Since to her, it was just infatuation.

I began to set a plan in motion, I would visit her without actually visiting her and I would make sure she was alright.

I immediately froze my thought process for fear that Alice had seen what I was planning. I waited the space of five human heartbeats before I resumed my work.

There was always a way to get around Alice.

I walked slowly out of my room and down towards the front door. Staying with my family had been nice, but not nearly as nice as it had been before. I now had this ever growing weight on my back, one that kept growing heavier the longer I stayed away from _her. _

I didn't need anything more than my wallet. The bodily secretions a human would emit would need to be properly maintained, but I was not human and I did not have to worry about anything but food and the sun.

_Food_

When was the last time I had eaten?

I couldn't chance it, Bella meant more to me than anything and when I finally saw her I didn't want any accidents.

Who was I kidding; it was in my very nature to kill.

I guess I wasn't what you'd call _normal._

After a quick hunt I ran myself to the nearest airport.

I wanted the quickest flight to Seattle and I was willing to pay through the nose to get there, but first, necessary precautions.

I pulled out the silver phone that had seemed to create a groove in my pants pocket from its infrequent use and dialled the familiar number.

_Hello_

"Hello Irina its Edward."

_Eddie, how are you doing?_

I ignored her question and asked another.

"I'm formally asking your permission to enter Forks."

_Really? Finally coming for a visit eh? Why now?_

I knew what Irina wanted of me and I refused to give it. I wasn't some charity case that desired counselling.

"I'll see you in a few hours," I said and hung up to avoid further pestering.

I made it there by the end of the day, but the time difference negated that measurement greatly.

"_Eddie!!!"_

I cringed as projectile vampire flew from our old house in Forks into my arms and hugged me tight. I disliked anyone touching me but my Bella.

_She's not yours anymore._

I silenced the voice as I pried the little blond vampire off of me and began walking up to the house. I was sure Bella would be sleeping and I didn't' want to wake her.

---

The next morning I changed my clothes and headed out, I didn't want to smell like recycled new Yorkers for any longer and I needed something comfortable.

The first place I decided to look was her house, I wasn't exactly sure what the day was but odds were she was probably there anyway.

When I pulled up to her house in the rental I had purchased from the airline I stepped out. Most of the cars had been driven to Ithaca but the rest were in storage.

When I crept around to one of the floor windows and peered in I was shocked with what I saw.

I instantly grew angry, I _knew _who had done this but I couldn't understand why.

I now understood why Irina had been nervous when I told her I was visiting Bella's house.

Destruction was _everywhere. _All of the appliances and furniture were trashed and I wondered why had Irina done something so stupid?

Maybe I would just keep an eye on Bella by myself from now on.

I edged the window open and eased myself in.

The house was still and quiet but I could still smell her. It was faint but it was there.

To add proof I could also smell vampire, and identified it as Irina's smell, but something caught my attention, something I did not expect.

Their was a strong pungent smell, that of an animal, but so much more repugnant. It clung to every pore of the house and made me nauseous to even breathe it in.

I fled from the house, because even halting my breathing could not erase the smell from my nostrils.

What was that?

And then it all came to me. The smell, it wasn't something even an animal could produce.

Only a half animal.

_DOGS?!_

My anger grew and festered while I made my way to the border, to hell if I broke the treaty, if Bella was anywhere near them I would rip them all to shreds.

My Bella had become more of a danger magnet than she'd ever know.

I drove recklessly, swerving and dodging stops signs like my life depended on it, and really, it did.

If anything were to happen to Bella, I would never forgive myself.

I was coming to a bend in the road when I was met with a strange sight.

The cliff, a far distance from the road had someone on it.

This person was just standing there seemeingly staring into the cold water.

I stopped the car and pulled over. As I got out the breeze that held her scent moved through my nostrils.

_Bella_

The simmering panic that had been growing inside me now exploded in a mix of anger and disbelief.

My phone began to ring, but I didn't answer it, I knew it was Alice.

But a more important question was why Bella up there alone?

I grew even more frantic until I saw her small form tilt her head back, and even with the distance I could see she had a smile on her face.

If I had a heart it would have stopped in my chest when she jumped.

I watched with horror only for a second before I made my way to the rocky ocean side.

The waves were rougher here and the relentlessly pounded into the rock for it seemed a storm was coming.

I didn't care, and didn't bother removing any of my clothes before I gave myself a running start and dove into the water.

I pushed my limbs beyond what they were capable of and begged I'd make it to Bella before...

No, I refused to think that way because there was no way she'd be able to...die.

I could not live without her.

And I would not live without her, not while I had my life, and not while she still had hers.

She was my life, she was my soul and I loved her beyond death.

Elation was beyond what I felt when my cold fingers grasped on to my little angel. She wasn't moving, and I feared she was already unconscious until I saw her eyes open and staring in disbelief.

She was trying to drown.

I controlled my temper as best I could and tried not to tighten the grip I had on her. Despite my hostility I would not harm her because of it.

I anchored her to my side and paddled as gently as I could towards the shore.

She was shivering and spitting out water, and I was glad she was alright, and even more content that she was not harmed.

I shifted on my side and stared into the large expressive brown eyes that I hadn't seen in seven months and everything; all of the miscommunications, and the lies, the deceit and the abandonment it all disappeared.

And I was home.

* * *

A/N So this is the end. I know its bitter sweet and you can create any happily ever after you would like but the end remains the same. Bella needs some fixing.

Of course I want to thank everyone who reviewed or favourite or story alerted. And I would personally create a list but-THERE ARE JUST TOO MANY IF YOU GUYS!

I welcome and invite you to keep reading my work because frankly I'm a review junkie and _their my_ brand of heroin.


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